PowerSleds vs. Woosiers (-3.5)

Tommy Todd and the “Smoke Rise Doobie Brothers” are cruisin’ at 32,000 feet one week only to come crashing down like the Hindenburg the following one, a weakness only the Great Wizardo foresaw and taken advantage of versus ELVO. While a hefty point total clearly has the Woosiers in line to advance to the playoffs, they must win one of their remaining two games to avoid the dreaded “Bullet Rule.” Unfortunately for Tommy, this week he faces a suddenly rejuvenated Jack Barnes and his “Motor City Mad Men”, who are already playoff bound despite a weak effort last Sunday, a formidable opponent that may have the Woosiers facing do-or-die Week 14. ELVO likes the Woosiers, but than again, that’s why he’s ELVO and not the Great Wizardo.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

 

Mayors vs. Dogs (-1.5)

Despite an uninspiring point total, Mark Burr and his “Tirebitin’ Bone Buriers” are clearly in the playoff picture due to an impressive record albeit one where they largely feasted on weak intra-divisional foes. Nevertheless, with other teams sporting much bigger point totals yet have already hit the magical eight loss mark; the Wizard says the Dogs will be dancin’ come Week 15. In their path this week is Alan Arrington and the “Royal Bureaucrat Inbreeds” (Wizard’s Note: Through the centuries families of aristocrats only allowed their children to marry those of similar “breeding”, a practice that led to an ever decreasing gene pool where often cousins were forced to marry each other with disastrous genetic results.), a team whose playoff hopes are on life support due to their record and point total yet the Mayors might be able to slip in the backdoor what won’t fit through the front if they can win their two remaining games. Unfortunately for Alan, they will find themselves officially banished to the Mullet Bowl once the Dogs finish mauling them on Sunday in Brookside.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Blitz vs. Sloth Monsters (-4.5)

Due to his “high spirited” behavior, Curt “Big Sexy” Jarvis went to live with his dad in Tarrant for several years before returning to Gardendale his freshmen year to begin what would become a stellar football career that eventually led to the NFL. While in Tarrant, Curt’s no-nonsense dad would, according to Curt, give him a beating each morning for trouble Curt would likely find in the afternoon leading the Great Wizardo to think Mr. Jarvis may have had some of the preternatural prognosticatorial visions associated with the Great Wizardo. While Curt may have taken some license with the facts to keep them from getting in the way of a good story, there’s no question Curt’s dad helped set him on the right path, even if it did require a few “attitude adjustments” along the way. Speaking of paths, there’s little doubt the “Pill Pushin’ Pachyderms” are well down the wrong one, which the Great Wizardo predicted, while Mike Dismukes and the “Jolly Green Giants” are ho-hoing their way down a path that, while it will not give them the Greenhorn Division title, should punch their ticket to the Big Dance beginning in two weeks.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Fighting Slovaks vs. Bullets (-5.5)

Adam Slovensky and the “Helena Roamin’ Gnomes” proved that every dog does indeed have its day after stunning the top ranked Gamblers in Week 12. However, the Slovaks will have to quickly come back to earth when they arrive at the Little Brown Jug juke joint to take on the “Rug Cuttin’ Rebels” this weekend. If Charles Dickens had not been inspired to write “A Tale of Two Cities” by the French Revolution and its impact on London and Paris, he certainly would have had he been asked to prognosticate this Week 13 match up because while the Bullets are clearly going dancing, the Slovaks have already packed their bags for Gulf Shores. In fact, the Wizard has heard rumors (Wizard’s Note: Okay, maybe the Wizard started and is spreading those rumors himself.) that Adam has a timeshare on the beach in Gulf Shores to avoid the expense and hassle of renting a room for what has become an annual rite of passage for his Slovaks, and always books it for the three week festival known as the Big Mullet Series. That’s one smart thing the Slovaks have done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

Grenadiers vs. Wizards

When searching for the poster children of high hopes not met, or even threatened for that matter, no two teams better exemplify that than the “Tusk Totin’ Charades” and the weak-wanded Wizards. Both teams had great expectations of playing for a BDFL title, but have long since fallen from grace and cannot get. Still, with their alter egos battling for the much coveted POTY, even a one star match up of teams going absolutely no where but down is enough to make both of them suck their guts up, or much as they can suck in their prodigious bellies, one last time to out do the other. In the end it will not be so much who out plays the other, but rather which one “out sorries” their opponent. In the end, expect the Grenadiers to play the role of the fool.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 

Wooden Warriors vs. Gamblers (-2.5)

The Great Wizardo thought long and hard about sites rarely, if ever, seen. Dog picking up the check, a time when Jack’s tender ham was not ailing him after flying out in a softball game, and Bucket letting the facts get in the way of a good story are three that popped to the Wizard’s mind. Of course, a Fighting Slovak “dubya” probably fits into that category as something as rare as hen’s teeth as well. Nevertheless, the Slovaks still managed to shock the BDFL by not only winning a game, but knocking off the top ranked Gamblers while doing so. While Kenny Breal and the “Marsh Mellow Men” discovered rollin’ your helmets out on the field, and little else, is rarely enough to win, something the Gamblers now have the scars to prove after last week’s debacle. Nevertheless, the Gamblers need to get their heads out of their rear ends post haste or will have it shoved there again when Jaimie Hand and the “Carvin’ Marvins” bring their Greenhorn Division leading war band to down Sunday afternoon. There’s little doubt the Wooden Warriors will take their share of scalps, but the Great Wizardo doubts it will be enough for them to claim vic’try when the dealins’ done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

 

Juggernauts vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal’s “Riverchase Skeetahs” have been buzzing around all season in search of an unprecedented 5th BDFL crown, and are largely well positioned to do so at the front of the Graybeard Division pack with the regular season rapidly winding down to a close. Still, all is not wine & roses in Riverchase because the Cheetahs are still looking for their playoff qualifying 7th “dubya” of the season, and will need to find one over the next two games if they want to continue hunting for yet another title. Meanwhile, Allyson Edwards and her “Kamikaze Queens” are still searching in vain for their first title, but have a lot of heavy lifting to do in order to make that happen. Although they are in last place, the Nauts’ playoff hopes are still clinging stubbornly to the end of the rope. What’s more, the Nauts still control their own destiny because closing out the regular season with two wins should be enough to pack them off to the championship bracket. Anything less and it’s off to Mulletsville. Needless to say, it will take ten penny nails and plenty of Vaseline to pass the sphincter test at the Cat House this weekend, and the Great Wizardo says Butch may need a jackhammer to pass it after Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.