Grenadiers (-4.5) vs. Power Sleds

Back when Chris Hand still had a pair, which he proved by hanging on future Bama receiving great Joey Jones at the 1980 North-South All Star football game like a cheap suit and shutting him down, he was nothin’ but elbows and b#!!holes. Unfortunately, since taking home the BDFL title two years ago, moving to T-town to work for the Crimson Tide Network, and more or less becoming Nick Saban’s go-get-me-suck-buddy, it would appear Chris and his “T-town Namby Pambies” have gone soft. Case in point, it’s not enough for the Wizard to send Chris his witty, unerring, and often brilliant predictions each week in the annual POTY battle, the Wizard now has to make his predictions in a special font, Verdana 9 point to be exact, as to not upset the Wolfback’s tender computer leaving the Legendary One curious as to whether he will be required to begin eating caviar, name any male grandchildren “Farthington”, and pick up playing squash in the future as well. Fortunately for the Grenadiers, “dainty over dirty” should be enough to stamp out the Sleds, and cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

 

Mayors vs. Cheetahs (-3.5)

While perusing what the Wizard assumes is the roster Butch Neal and his “Gabby Tabbies” plan to stick to in 2011, he could only ponder, as great prognosticators are wont to do, if Adam Slovensky had temporarily performed an “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” on Butch because this bunch looks more like the Slovaks on paper then the four time champion Cheetahs. Fortunately for Butch, the Wizard’s scathing review of the Cheetah line up was softened somewhat after looking over the disaster that Alan Arrington and his “Magic City Phony Cronies” claim is their opening day line up. Fortunately for Alan there’s no crime against fielding such a weak line up or he would be in a cell next to his role model, Larry Lankford, for impersonating a BDFL team.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. Dogs (-2.5)

With the BDFL contracting faster than the U.S. economy, Mark Burr and the “Coalburg Canines” have jumped from the friendly confines of the now defunct Yellowhammer Division to the wild and wooly Greenhorns where no-holds barred battles are par for the course. Not wasting any time, the Dogs will jump into the deep end of the Greenhorn pool when they host “Curse Hurlin’” Merlin and the “Pasco Magic Carpet Riders” on opening day at Five Mile Crick Ballpark. Of course, when last seen, the only hurlin’ the Wizards were doing was on the business end of a commode as they choked away a golden opportunity at a third BDFL title with a semifinal gag-a-thon. Hoping to make amends, the Wizards rolled in Nicholas “the Beast” Hand on draft day, and was pleased with what appears to be an understated, but formidable, line-up (i.e. If the Wizards start sellin’ Buicks again, they can blame it on Nicholas, but if not the Wizard can claim it was coaching that made the difference.) that will drop anchor in Five Mile Crick Sunday afternoon. The Dogs have a well balanced team that will yield dividends as the season progresses, but will find there first foray into “Greenhorn football” will not be a pleasant one, or at least not pleasant enough to cover the modest 2.5 points laid down by ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wooden Warriors (-5.5)

Jaimie Hand and the “Cawlija Splendid Splinters” appear to be poised for a run at that elusive title that has haunted the Fultondale resident since the inception of the BDFL, this despite several near misses and enough bridesmaids dresses to fill a consignment store. Still, with “RomoCop” calling the signals behind a strong ground game, expect the Warriors to make plenty of noise in 2011 starting on  opening day when they square off at Black Crick Field against Cousin Adam Slovensky and the “Blighted Slovaks” who are to championship dreams what the Black Plague was to 15^th century Europe. Despite a respectable draft night performance, the Wizard has learned there is no line up, as with wet dreams, the Slovaks cannot screw up. Outside of a potentially strong kicking game, which can be an admittedly huge wildcard, the Slovaks do not match up well with their Fultondale kin folk, and shouldn’t expect any “sister kissin’” this weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

 

Juggernauts vs. Woosiers (-4.5)

With the Equal Rights Amendment a mere footnote, long since having retired to the ash heap of history, Allyson Edwards and the “Bra Burners” had been wandering in the wilderness searching for another cause when they stumbled upon the BDFL some years ago. Although the Juggernauts have made impressive strides in recent years, much of their effort has met with similar success as back in their ERA days. However, they will get a chance to begin making amends for that stinging defeat of forty years ago when they travel to Smoke Rise to take on Tommy Todd and the “Hoo Doo Woo Gurus” in Week One. It should be noted the Wizard has the Hoo Doo Gurus first and probably only album this band of Aussies ever made, and it was quite good as he remembers. Unfortunately for Allyson, the Great Wizardo is not sure her crop of 2011 Amazons is as bumper a one as in recent years, something the Juggernauts will learn the hard way when Tommy opens a can of homegrown Blount County whoop @$$ Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

 

Sloth Monsters vs. Gamblers (-3.5)

Kenny Breal and the “Tahiti Blue Dot Ball Busters” once sported their legendary softball prowess all along the Gulf Coast until Father Time turned his towering home runs into little more than cans of corn. Nevertheless, the Gamblers have a pair of BDFL titles for their troubles since joining the league, and more often than not field a team capable of doing damage to its opponents on a consistent basis. Lining up opposite the Gamblers this weekend is Mike Dismukes and the “Groovy Ghoulies” who once they learned you couldn’t start as many kickers as you wanted each week quickly became a force in the BDFL as evidenced by the untainted BDFL hardware sitting in their trophy case. As it so happens, the Sloth Monsters lone title also happens to match the number of BDFL drafts they’ve attended relatively sober. Regardless of his blood alcohol level, the Sloths walked away from the draft with what appears to be a title contending team, and will give the Gamblers, and ELVO, a little taste of it come Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Blitz vs. Bullets (-2.5)

Jerry Fritz and the “Fluid Druids” take a stroll down Highway 82 to take on Bullet and his “Confederate Kinsmen”, most of which are quite blissfully unaware the Civil War, or “War of Northern Aggression” as it’s referred to on the western edge of Alabama’s Black Belt, ended almost 140 years ago and that Lowndes County has long since been reabsorbed back into the Union, something that was hardly a foregone conclusion had Sherman not taken Atlanta and made his infamous march to the sea in time to help Lincoln win re-election. Otherwise, McClelland would have likely defeated Mr. Lincoln before then coming to terms with Jeff Davis and the Confederacy leaving a permanently divided Union. Regardless, the Blitz had best be firing on all cylinders when they arrive because the Bullets have what on paper looks like a formidable team, perhaps even one that is actually Bullet-proof. Unfortunately, with his main gunslinger, Peyton Manning, nursing a surgically repaired neck and two back ups that play like they just had neck surgery, the Wizard doesn’t see much hope of the Blitz escaping Copperhead Road in one piece come Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.