Blitz (-2.5) vs. Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and the “Talladega Twisted Sisters” rolled their collective curling irons out on the field last week thinking it would be more than enough to heat up the Woosiers. Alas, all it earned the Jugs was a one way trip to the pain cave where they were administered an A.W. for their troubles. More importantly, their faint playoff hopes went on life support with orders not to resuscitate. Similarly, their opponents, Jerry Fritz and the suddenly “Squirmin’ Germans”, were the media favorites only a few short weeks ago before crapping on themselves on successive Sundays culminating in an embarrassing loss to the lowly Wizards in Week 11, a loss that pushed them to the brink of playoff elimination as well. The loser gets an all expenses paid trip to the Mullet Series in Gulf Shores while the other lives to fight another day. The two are evenly matched so only someone with the prognosticatorial genius of the Great Wizardo could see that the Juggernauts will still be “rollin’ baby” when night falls.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Sloth Monsters vs. Wooden Warriors

After happily accepting the Godzilla Racing Series NASCAR championship last Sunday evening, an acceptance that included a “Polish” victory lap in his candy apple red Ford Thunderbird, running through a sign with his towel waving, and taunting pretty much everyone in sight, Jaimie Hand and his “Wooden Puddin’ Heads” must have stepped over the line because on Tuesday his better half, Cheryl, went on the offensive, using her maiden name no less, to explain she was, in fact, the architect behind Jaimie’s dominating NASCAR fantasy league title. Once the genie was let out of the bottle, Jaimie tried to put it back in, but to no avail. By then it was too late and the fraud Jaimie perpetrated on the rest of the GRS was common knowledge. The GRS High Dictator-for-Life is investigating the allegations and has not ruled out stripping Jaimie of the title and giving it to its rightful owner, Cheryl. When asked for a quote, the Wizard said, “I thought something was rotten in Denmark ‘cause there’s no way Jaimie doesn’t fade like an ol’ of blue jeans without some serious help. I just thought he was all ‘roided’ up.”

Wizard’s Winner…Sloth Monsters.

 

Bullets vs. Woosiers

Despite settling on the bottom of the Red Neck Division, if the regular season ended today the Bullets would still be on the BDFL’s big stage by virtue of their winning record. And yes, the irony is choking given the “Bullet Rule” was christened soon after Bullet fraudulently stole a tainted BDFL title despite a losing record, a tainted title he has never relinquished. Nevertheless, that is where things stand heading into Week 12 when Bullet’s “Whiskey Burnin’ Benton Bureaucrats” head to Smoke Rise to take on Tommy Todd and the “Love Guns”, an intriguing match between two teams with distinctive paths to the playoffs in front of them. By simply not going down like some of his infamous exes and avoiding a three game collapse, the Woosiers are all but assured a playoff berth where their high octane offense could pose major problems for their competition, especially if they avoid the “Feast or Famine” problems that have periodically plagued them during the season. ELVO tends to drift towards the “flavor of the day” and is laying 4.5 on the “it” team (Woosiers), which is a little too rich for the Great Wizardo’s tastes.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

Fighting Slovaks vs. Gamblers

This match up is why handicapping contests have become so popular over the years, a concept first popularized in horse racing where the favorites had weight added to their mounts to slow them down to make the field more competitive. The more prohibitive a favorite, the more weight was added. Assuming this match up between the “Flatulating Slovaks” and the league leading “Swamp Rats” was being handicapped along similar lines, Kenny Breal and his Gamblers would likely be asked to carry a battleship anchor during the race. Obviously, ELVO has bought into the “bigger is better” idea when laying down the line for this game, but with the season beginning to get a little long in the tooth and his deficit in the race for the POTY not growing much smaller, the Great Wizardo is starting to get a distinct whiff of desperation from ELVO. Kind of like fresh napalm in the morning, it smells like…vict'ry.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 

Dogs (-3.5) vs. Wizards

After haphazardly careening from one mishap to another, Merlin and the “Lollipop Guild” finally found a sucker in the Blitz in which to take out their frustrations while pushing the Blitz to the brink of playoff elimination, a much needed shot in the arm for a team that has spent the greater part of the year shooting itself in the foot. Meanwhile, Mark Burr and the “Fang Gang” have qualified for the playoffs on “dubyas”, but a very pedestrian point total still has some heat on them to better secure their dance partner over the next three weeks, something the Wizards would dearly love to prevent from happening. Fortunately for the Dogs, assuming they can avoid one of the 49 strip clubs dotting the greater Tampa area, at least until after the game, they have to be confident in their chances to sail into Tampa Bay, pillage and plunder for the better part of the afternoon, and sail out the same way with little more than token resistance from the Wizards. ELVO is favoring the Dogs, and for once he’s actually right.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Grenadiers vs. Cheetahs

You can pretty much etch it in granite that a member of the Hand/Slovensky family tree will be sucking the BDFL’s HT by year end. What is not as predictable, except by the Great Wizardo of course, is someone from the Hand side of the family bringing up the rear of the pack. Nevertheless, that is exactly the case heading into Week 12 as Chris Hand and the “Scud Duds” are resting on the bottom of the BDFL with what amounts to little more than an abominable season. Meanwhile, Butch Neal and his “AristoCats” are at the top of the Graybeard Division with hopes of overtaking the Gamblers for the regular season ending top see. Yet the PowerSleds are hot on their heels for the Graybeard title so there is still plenty for the Cheetahs to play for although beating the Grenadiers is in and of itself more than enough to have them foaming at the mouth come game time. The Great Wizardo likes the Cheetahs in this one, but isn’t nearly as enamored about the 9.5 point spread ELVO threw out, so after taking a good long sniff the Wizard decided to pass.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

 

PowerSleds vs. Mayors

The Graybeard Division has begun to show its age this season as evidenced by a last place power ranking, and one with a considerable gap between themselves and the next in line, that culminated in Week 11 when three of the four teams failed to get out of single digits, a first for the BDFL. Still, living on their past laurels has all four thinking quite highly of themselves although obviously some would have to be delusionary to harbor such heretical thoughts. One of them would be Alan Arrington and his “Double Talking Spin Doctors”, a team that has played so poorly that they look on their staggering start to the season as this year’s highpoint thus far. On the other side, the “Fairfield Jack Wagons” have fared much better, are poised to advance to the playoffs, and may yet snatch the year ending number one seed. Nevertheless, with ELVO in full panic mode and veering well off course yet again, as he is wont to do, homey has decided he “don’t play that.”

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.