Bullets vs. Cheetahs

Bullet and his “Duelin’ Banjo Pickin’ Inbreads” rarely venture out of Butcher Holler amongst normal people, or “civilized” folks as they call ‘em in Benton, which is something everyone can be glad is the case. Nevertheless, the Bullets hit the road for this weekend to take on the surprisingly strong “Riverchase Woozy Floozies”, who would like nothing better than to leave the visitors a little lighter in the wallet when they head home Sunday evening. Nevertheless, the Bullets pack more punch in their pistols than one might first suspect while the Cheetahs are more sleight of hand than anything else. In the end, the Great Wizardo says the visitors from Lowndes County will take a shine to Butch’s girls and their “purdy mouths” while covering the spread, and winning outright to boot.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

PowerSleds vs. Wooden Warriors

When asked by his squaw, Cheryl, if Jaimie needed to go to the doctor and have a colonoscopy, Jaimie replied, “Nah, I’m good. I’m pullin’ so many dubya’s out of my butt this year I figure I’da found anything else while I was there.”, something the Wizard concurs with after spotting a season high 40 spot yet still losing to these very same Wooden Warriors. Still, with open dates factoring into the schedule, the “Chuck ‘n Ducks” may have a little tougher time pullin’ another win from the same place, and will likely find the well has run dry when they face the PowerSleds, at least for a day.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

 

Mayors vs. Fighting Slovaks

The only sense of urgency the Wizard can discern amongst Adam Slovensky and his “EuroPeons” is the scramble to jump overboard with the rest of the rats as the Fighting Slovak ship begins its annual descent into the ocean. Fortunately for the Slovaks, they are used to Adam sounding the alarm to abandon ship in past years, enough so that the expected mad dash for the lifeboats is more of a leisurely, and orderly, stroll. Meanwhile, Alan Arrington and his “Phony Cronies” struggled in Week Four with a Slovak worthy performance as they, along with the Slovaks, remain the only winless teams in the BDFL. In fact, the bloody trail behind the Mayors is not being left by their bleeding heart leanings, but rather by going from one whuppin’ to another. Fortunately for Alan, at the end of the weekend only one team will still be on the “schnide”, and the Great Wizardo says it’s the Slovaks that will find themselves in that infamous position.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 

Dogs vs. Sloth Monsters

Mike Dismukes has been known to shovel enough manure to fertilize forty acres and a mule, a duly deserved reputation if the Wizard says so himself. Enough so that one night back in his wilder youth a well lubricated Mukes had his chest poked out and responded to a particular situation by implying he would take care of things if he “had my truck”, a threat Mukes never expanded upon when asked to describe what he planned to do with his truck or what his truck would allow him to do that he otherwise couldn’t. In fact, the Great Wizardo can’t even be sure if Mukes had a truck although he could have borrowed Albert’s big white Grenada since it probably could have qualified as one, and had certainly been used as such on more than a few occasions. To show that some things never change, Mukes was heard this week saying he planned to get his season back on track once he had his truck, something the Sloths took a step towards doing in Week Four, and should continue to do in Week Five when they welcome Mark Burr and his “Huckleberry Hounds” to Silver Lakes. Dogs have a natural swimming instinct, but will still find the waves they encounter enough to run aground any hopes they had of stealing a vict'ry from the jaws of defeat.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Woosiers vs. Wizards

“Cyrus the Virus” and the rest of the Woosiers continued their freefall into oblivion after a smokin’ start to the 2011 season by losing, in disheartening style, after posting an uninspired 20 spot in the fourth week of the season. On the other hand, Merlin and the “Lollipop Guild Lilliputians” continued their losing ways despite a forty point explosion, easily their best of the year, which still had them losing to their archrivals the Wooden Warriors. With the Bullet Rule already beginning to loom in the distance for the Wizards, notching a dubya is crucial although doing so at the expense of the Woosiers is no small order. The Wiley ol’ Wizard still thinks the Woosiers will be a team to reckon with come play-off time, and that the Wizards need to go ahead and begin limbering up for the mullet toss in Gulf Shores later this year.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

 

Juggernauts vs. Blitz

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” starts the Charles Dickens classic a “A Tale of Two Cities.” An apropos line to describe the fortunes of the Juggernauts and Blitz, respectively, despite both teams sporting .500 records heading into their Week Five intra-divisional match-up. While Allyson and the “Honda Holy Rollers” appear to be gaining momentum as the season progresses, Jerry Fritz and the “Grits Blitz” have more often resembled the “$^!&z Blitz” in 2011. The Dickens classic is about, oddly enough, two cities. One of them, Paris, gripped in the throes of a violent revolution that would overthrow the ruling aristocracy while bringing to power in the ensuing vacuum a ruthless dictator in the form of Napolean, and the other, London, France’s mortal enemy yet a city and a nation that looked on in horror as the French Revolution also fomented revolution of its own across the English Channel. The guillotine was the executioner of choice in Paris, and chopped off enough heads to make an army of headless horsemen, including that of Louis XVI and his much hated wife, Marie Antoinette, although her supposed comment of “let them eat cake” when asked about the miseries suffered by the French people was probably more fact than fiction. Not that it did her much good. Nevertheless, expect the only thing to roll for the Blitz on Sunday is their collective head as the Nauts open up an industrial strength can.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Gamblers vs. Grenadiers

This could be the Wizards biggest nightmare...ELVO takes over his beloved Wizardz Winnerz. As most know, the Wizard is a fraud just like in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy and Toto exposed him for what he really was...a snake oil selling scallywagin' carpetbagger. He's been living off of Leonard's Losers stitch for years with nothing truly original in his repertoire. Exposed over the year's at various stages of his life...Moncrief Ballpark in his youth, at Max's Family Buffet in high school, in Lee County as a college student, at The Birmingham News with his Kick-Off Cash rip-off scheme in his young adulthood and at K-mart before Bucs games as an adult and at numerous other times and places throughout his career as a "pseudo" prognosticator, the Wizard is constantly trying to justify his existence in the BDFL's hierarchy which really does not exist. As the real legendary prognosticator (Bobby Maldonado) once said after seeing the band Clutch performance at The Breakers club in Panama City back in the early 80's..."Clutch is slipping" and so is the Wizard.

ELVO's Loser…the Gamblers.

 

NOTE: This submission was questionably late from the Wizard...

Gamblers vs. Grenadiers
An overtime “dubya” last week notwithstanding, Chris Hand and the “Grenade Brigade” have been double timing a full retreat so far in 2011, and there’s no reason to think they will stop runnin’ when Kenny Breal and the “Sleazy Big Easies” arrive in T-town this weekend. Runnin’ down to the local Snappy Sacks to grab Coach Saban some Lil’ Debbie snack cakes is not exactly the stuff of legends, but is what the Grenadiers have been reduced to since Chris became a big wig at the Crimson Tide Network. Having no such silver spoon thrust in their collective mouths, the Gamblers are looking to double down this weekend in order to make a statement that they are back and ready to challenge for that long awaited third BDFL title. As for the Grenadiers making an opposing statement of their own, the Wizard says he wouldn’t be the ranch on it.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.