Bullets vs. Wizards

When the “Hillbilly Heathens” belly up to the breakfast bar at the local choke ‘n puke on Monday morning, in addition to saying “praise the lard and pass the biscuits” the Benton faithful will expect to be replaying a Bullets vict'ry when they head to Florida to take on the “Gator Raiders.” While the wine and the women are free, however, headin’ home with a “dubya” will be much more difficult than the ELVO might imagine. Two impressive weeks for the undefeated Bullets would seem to back up ELVO’s claim, but the wiley ol’ Wizard knows better.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Blitz vs. Woosiers

After handing out a shellacking to their first opponent on opening day, Tommy Todd and the “Hayden Hayseeds” decided restin’ on their laurels and rollin’ their helmets out on the field would be more than enough for their second win of the season. Unfortunately for the Woosiers, they were unceremoniously handed their first defeat of the season despite a relatively impressive point total leaving Tommy first scratchin’ his head, and then his nether regions before heading to Prattville to regroup. Meanwhile, the “Panzer Packin’ Pachyderms” displayed an impressive array of firepower in Week Two although it was still not enough to keep them from being winless through two weeks of play. ELVO likes the Wooisers, but the Wizard likes them even more, and the Blitz will see why on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Dogs

When the Wizard was a young but impressionable apprentice, the bulk of his early education took place at Snow Rogers Elementary School. After school the young Wizard would walk across the street to Mrs. Meeks’ house, who kept a number of children after school. Good times were had more often than not for the Wizard with the highlight of every day being “cookies and milk” time. A cry of  “cookies & milk” from Mrs. Meeks would break up even the most intense games and send a stream kids running at breakneck speed for the much anticipated afternoon treat. While certainly a fond memory for the “Great One”, it may also be evidence of a very boring childhood, something the Wizard has still not figured out to this day. As for the bottom dwelling Slovaks and Dogs, they both would probably have been denied cookies and milk after the performance each put forward in Week Two. And with good reason.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Gamblers vs. Juggernauts

Despite his gamblin’ father winding up on the wrong end of a gun and being born in the backseat of Greyhound bus, Kenny Breal and the “Bayou Ramblin’ Ruffians” are averaging an impressive 43.5 points per game through the first two weeks despite also sporting a .500 record. Meanwhile, the “Ambulance Chasin’ Amazons” have also split their opening two games in the rugged Red Neck Division making this match up a little more interesting than the normal early season standard fare. Playoff hopes will neither be dashed nor cemented come Sunday evening although it will be the Juggernauts visions of vict'ry that will be wearing a pair of cement shoes and resting comfortably on the bottom of Lake Ponchartrain when all is said and done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Sloth Monsters

Mike Dismukes and his “Tri-toed Tree Limb Loungers” have their sites set on moving to the top of the Greenhorn Division when they faced Jaimie Hand and his first place “Fultondale Pooper Scoopers” at Silver Lakes this weekend. The Warriors are their usual consistent self with two wins in two weeks while the Sloths are hot on their heels. ELVO gives the edge to his kid brother although the Wizard strongly suspects ELVO is just trying to make up for all of the butt kickings he used to administer to Jaimie back on Hand Lane. Unfortunately for Jaimie, his Warriors may be having flashbacks of those days of yesteryear in Fieldstown when the Sloths finally call off the dogs.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Grenades vs. Mayors

In what could amount to little more than a bunch of “sister kissin’” on Sunday afternoon, Chris Hand and his “Pansy Packin’ Pantywaists” square off against the “shadow commissioner” Alan Arrington and the “Odd Squad” in a Week Three match up between a pair of thus far tepid teams. These two are normally only spotted in deep discussion in smoke filled back rooms devising ways to slant the BDFL playing field in their favor although their devious plots often meet with little more success than those of Wiley Coyote. Still, it seems a distant memory when Chris Hand and his battered and beaten Grenadiers stormed the Bastille on their way to stirring BDFL title in 2009. As Rocky’s manager Mickey told him in Rocky III, “The worst thing possible for a fighter happened to you. You became civilized.” The same could be said of the Grenadiers although they will hardly need the eye of the tiger to take down their woeful Graybeard Division brethren this weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

Power Sleds vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal and the “Lusty Lionesses” sit atop the Graybeard Division, their favored position from what the Wizard has been told, through two weeks of play while also laying claim to the top spot in the overall BDFL pecking order with a line up that has more than a few wondering if the Cheetahs are on the march to yet another BDFL title. Although not necessarily nipping at their heels, the “Fairfield One-eyed Jacks” are second among their fellow Graybeards with plans of pulling an ace from their collective sleeve and sending a message to the Cheetahs and the rest of the BDFL that the PowerSleds are to be reckoned with in 2011. Unfortunately for Jack, he might as well have visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in his head too since his thoughts of vict'ry, or even covering the generous ELVO spread, are little more than a house of cards.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.