Cheetahs vs. Woosiers

Tommy Todd and the “Smoke Rise Hayseeds” have been up and down all season. Enough so that Tommy hasn’t moved up and down at this rate since trying to “deflower” every young maiden in sight during his ill spent youth. Week 8 was a case in point where the Woosiers, after some dreadful performances, posted a 47 spot and administered an “A.W.” on the hapless Grenadiers of the Graybeard Division while evening their record in the process. However, the “Woo Crew” is going from the outhouse to the penthouse of the Graybeard Division in Week 9 they entertain Butch Neal’s “Spotted Fe-Lions” on Sunday afternoon. “Entertaining” is a Cheetah specialty and although the Woosiers know a thing or two about entertaining, closer to debauchery if truth be known, it won’t be enough to keep them leaving empty-handed.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. PowerSleds

Despite another horrendous performance in a season filled with them, the “Pasco Pirates” still managed to notch their second “dubya” of the season after the Schedule Maker showed pity on the Wizards by scheduling the lowly Slovaks twice in three weeks. Even at that, the Wizards still only managed to salvage a season split. Still, the Schedule Maker continues to prop up the Wizards by sending them up the Cahaba River to weigh anchor in Fairfield where they will take on the “One-eyed Jacks”, a team that has had their own share of struggles while finding themselves a few cards shy of a full deck for much of the year. Nevertheless, although drawing an inside straight is hardly necessary to fold the Wizards like a cheap tent, the Great Wizardo thinks the Sleds chances of taking a deuce on Sunday are at least as good as drawing a pair of them.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 

Blitz vs. Gamblers

New Orleans hasn’t seen an invasion with as much firepower as Jerry Fritz and his “Bavarian Barbarians” will bring to bear since Andrew Jackson sailed down the Mighty Mississipp’ with little more than some bacon, beans, and a lot of balls to humble the British Redcoasts almost 200 years ago. Still, it is doubtful Kenny Breal and his “Big Sleazy Swamp Rats” will lose much sleep given their seat atop the BDFL pecking order, and the fact they likely won’t even hear the Blitz enter town over the raucous din of noise in the French Quarter. Fortunately for the Great Wizardo, ELVO falls in and out of love with every new “flavor of the month” in the BDFL, as he’s doing with the suddenly hot Blitz, and that fatal flaw will cost him, and the Blitz, dearly come Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

 

Dogs vs. Fighting Slovaks

Speaking of Germans and wars (the Wizard figures they’re good for two a century), the Great Wizardo doubts the Nazis even tapped the brakes on their Panzer divisions when rolling through Slovakia if the resistance they met was anything like the fight Adam Slovensky and the “Eastern EuroPeons” have put up in the BDFL. The Slovaks have been miserably bad from opening day onwards even though the Schedule Maker continues to lob softball opponents their way. This week’s stiff is being tossed out by guest pitcher Greg “da’ Crusha’” Brown although regardless of who’s on the hill, the Slovaks laying an egg is as sure a thing as death & taxes. That being said, you don’t have to hatch much of anything to hang a “dubya” against Mark Burr and the “Brookside Rubber Rovers”, yet another woeful team in the weak-as-water Greenhorn Division, but the Slovaks will struggle to reach double just to reach double digits, much less worry about actually winning.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Bullets vs. Mayors

There’ll be enough red tape produced at this shin dig to choke an elephant, and enough B.S. tossed out to cover one up as well, when the “One Bent Bureaucrats” head to Birmingham to take on Alan Arrington and the “Magic City Spin Doctors” at Lawson Field this weekend. The Mayors rarely venture to Lawson Field because it’s in “Wootlawn” country, and “Wootlawn” is none too friendly to their west side brethren. Regardless, the Benton local yokels must be scratchin’ their heads down at the local choke ‘n puke trying to figure out how a six up, two down team with a more than respectable point total sits in dead last among the five members of the Redneck Division when it would have sole possession of first in the Greenhorn and be in the thick of the hunt for first among the Graybeards. Ultimately, the Bullets have to suck their guts up and climb through the ranks with some big point totals if they expect to be shaggin’ at the Big Dance beginning Week 15. Whether the Bullets run it up  for the bowl scouts like Bama did against Temple in the mid 80’s or not is unclear, but they won’t need to produce much to beat the Mayors and cover the hefty spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

Sloth Monsters vs. Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and her “Amazonian Ambulance Chasers” set back the women’s movement to at least the pre-suffrage days last weekend after throwing out, or up as the case may be, a weak 17 spot. A score the Nauts will have to improve upon if they have any designs of climbing back into the playoff hunt. Standing in their way will be Mike Dismukes and the “Tri-toed Limb Loungers” who have quietly crept to within modest striking distance in the Greenhorn Division although truth be known getting your name correct on a test, and precious little else, would earn you enough points to challenge in the Greenhorn. That being the case and with points as hard to come by in their division as hen’s teeth, the Sloths will need more than Mukes and his intimate knowledge of the penal code to salvage a win against the Nauts.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Grenadiers vs. Wooden Warriors

Another chapter of the bitterly contested “Hand Siblin’ Civil War” will take place on the Black Crick Reservation near Ol’ Man Kelsie’s pond this weekend when Jaimie and the “Creakin’ Mohicans” try to rebound from two straight defeats after starting the year with six straight vic’tries. Fortunately for Jaimie, Chris Hand and his aptly named “Poop Troops” have been slinging crap at the wall all season in hopes that at least something would stick with their latest attempt being to take a rookie quarterback, one that went undrafted in August mind you, in the supplemental draft and hail it as the second coming of Joe Montana. Even worse for the Grenadiers, the Wooden Warriors will hardly be in the mood to smoke the peace pipe with big bro’ Chris when they arrive, and should find their “Black Crick warning track” power to be more enough to win, cover the spread, and have change left over for a beer ‘n a burger on the way home.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.