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"As the Pucker Factor tightens, ten penny nails are needed"

 

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By Bob Bullet

Week 13: As the Pucker Factor tightens, ten penny nails are needed...

Woo Crew Crushes Cronies:

Tommy T. is serious about making it to the Big Daddy Championship Series (BDCS) and making amends for last year. You remember last year, when the Smoke Rise Woosiers were defeated by the eventual champion Benton Bullets in the semi-finals, when the Bullets erased a 15-point deficit on Sunday night football, when DeAngelo Williams scored 3-touchdowns, and the Woo Crew left Brandon Jacobs “on the bench,” and he scored 4-TDs. Well, if you don’t the Woosiers certainly do. In a stretch-run push to the Promised Land, the Woosiers outscored the Cronies this past weekend, and are now fixated on rectifying things in the post-season. As for the Mayors who have a handsome point total – as well as a corner cell – they are now one loss away from elimination from the BDCS. Can you say “pucker factor?”

Bullets “Open up a can” on Cheetah Man:

The Benton Bullets popped the top on an old 55-gallon drum of old-fashioned whoop@$$, and poured it all over the Riverchase Cheetahs this weekend. Bullet – looking to equal the Cheetahs 3-BDFL Championships – showed no mercy on the Sin Wagon on Sunday. The trip to Valleydale came just one-day-after Bullet (and the other Hand Brothers) ventured to Atlanta to the SEC Championship Game to watch the Crimson Tide open up a similar can on the previously undefeated, and defending national champion Florida Gators. “They’re wearing white helmets. They look like Auburn. We’re going to kill them,” said Bullet before the game. After the BDFL action, Bullet and Butch began the reconciliation process by trying to find each other tickets to Pasadena.

Dogs Still Alive for Rare BDCS Appearance

The Dogs have stepped up to the plate – or Dog bowl – in a big way down the stretch, and still have hopes of erasing a 14-year-losing streak. Mark’s Mutts’ George Costanza drafting technique of “doing the opposite,” is showing some strength down the stretch. On Sunday on the wrong side of the tracks in Brookside, the Dogs ripped apart the visiting Jugtown Juggernauts (and the Bulletin doesn’t even think Allyson cared – she was too busy basking in Saturday’s A.W. by the Tide over the Water Lizards… even though it was only a 19-point victory… it qualified as an A.W.). So, the Dogs appear to be one-win away from the Big Dance, and that has every mongrel and flea-bit hound from Cardiff, to Crocker Junction, to (you guessed it) Dog Town, howling.

Sloths Sickle Blitz:

The Son of Slim – who runs the Sloths – broke out the Lyle Arrington-Greg Brooks-Rusty Thompson “sickle” this weekend, and dispatched the Druid City Blitz in short order. Although the long-handled “sickle” was tough for the Three Toed Tree Dwellers to hold onto (with no thumbs or index fingers to speak of), the Sloth Monsters were still deadly at swing it. The Blitz could do nothing but cower down and hope for mercy at the hands of Mukes. Jerry Fritz got some of that in the end, because after the game Mukes gave him a free ride in Albert’s White Grenada (with a yellow canoe tied on top) back to T-Town, and Harry’s for some post-game refreshments. “Harry and Linny Pu (Patrick) said hey,” recalled Mukes. By the way, the Blitz was officially eliminated from the BDCS.

Grenadiers Gouge Pixie Dusters:

After the Commissioners’ trip to Atlanta for the SEC Championship game, he headed down I-75 to settle a long-standing issue with the Pasco County Pixie Dusters, in the space around Tampa, Clearwater, and St. Petersburg known as Tampa Bay. Late Sunday, the Cool Springs Grenadiers (the franchise formerly known as the Green Springs Grenades) were driving back north with a big, old, vict’ry and some trinkets from Merlin’s basement stove of Star Trek – Star Wars memorabilia. “These were door prizes,” said the Commissioner. “It was by the door, and I took it as my prize.” The Grenadiers are qualified for the BDCS with 7-wins, but need a lot of other teams to lose in Week 14. As for the Wizards, they are puckered tight going to the final weekend of the regular season in the BDFL.

Wizards Push Mean Machine to the Brink:

One team that is now one loss from elimination from the BDCS is the Fairfield Power Sleds. Now, the Sleds have plenty of points, but they are on the brink of being on the ‘outside-looking-in’ to the big dance with just one more loss. This weekend, it was the Black Creek Wooden Warriors doing the pushing as old Kawliga notched his BDFL-leading 10^th win of the season into the handle of his trusty peace pipe. The Mean Machine needs to regroup in a hurry to avoid the much-maligned Mullet Series.

Wildcats Remain Alive by Slapping Slovaks:

The Fighting Slovaks have been aligned with the Mullet Series since their inception and the start of the Mullet Series. So, there is no surprise that they locked up a spot there weeks ago (even with the help of their dad, former All American, Division II, place-kicker Ron Slovensky at the Miller Genuine Draft in August). The Wildcats, meanwhile, kept the haunting 8^th loss at bay by beating the Slovaks. They still need a win in Week 14 – and maybe a little outside assistance – to make the Big Dance, but they have a chance.

Gamblers Good to Go (to the BDCS) – Pound Bootleggers Toward the Mullet:

Despite all of the negative publicity the Gulf Coast Gamblers have had to endure at the Hands of the Commissioner, and in the Bulletin, they have (finally) punched their ticket to the Big Daddy Championship Series. The Dixie Mafia roughed up the Bristol/North Canton Bootleggers this weekend (who hasn’t?) to earn a pivotal 7^th vict’ry, and with the highest point total, are a lock for the BDCS. Kenny “Big Head” Breal was reportedly celebrating at the FloraBama until the wee hours of the morning on Monday, talking some trash and texting Adam Slo.

Crimson Tide/BDFL Photo of the Week:

The Hand Brothers tailgate just outside the Georgia Dome where the weather (outside) was too cold for many to tailgate, but not the Hand’s. Here’s proof. “The gator meat tastes just like vict’ry chicken,” said Jaimie.

Defending Champion Photo of the Week:

Here’s the 1997 and 2008 BDFL Champion – Bullet – with two of his closest friends at the Georgia Dome, after Alabama’s A.W. over the Florida Gators (19-point vict’ry is an A.W. in the SEC, but falls 2-points short in the BDFL). “I should have brought the Grand Daddy,” said Bullet.

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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