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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries

By Bob Bullet

Week 16
 

The Big Daddy Bowl is set...

Smoke Rise Woosiers vs. Riverchase Cheetahs

(So much for morality)

“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name.” – Bon Jovi

In best John Facenda (NFL Voice of Doom) voice: “The underdog, 8^th, and bottom-seeded Smoke Rise Woosiers rose from the ashes to turn the 2007 BEE-DEE-ef-el season into one for the ages.  The Woo Crew, under the steady and steely leadership of Master Cy Woo – Tommy T. – slipped into the Big Daddy Championship Series through the back, upstairs door.  ‘Been there, done that,’ said Mr. Woo.  In the second round of the BEE-DEE-see-ES, the Woosiers had yet another shocker for the league.  The Hayden Haymakers threw one falling down, Rocky Balboa left, as they started down for the canvas only to connect with the glass jaw of the upstart Jugtown Juggernauts.  When the final countdown concluded, the Woo Crew was the only team left standing.  Etched on the scoreboard for all time… Woosiers 26, Juggernauts 25.  Now, the Woosiers will take their rag-tag bunch of playoff overachievers into the Big Daddy Bowl to face one of their arch-nemesis’ – the rolling-down-hill Sin Wagon.”

“Oh baby, just you shut your mouth.” David Bowie

Continuing with the John Facenda (NFL Voice of Doom): “Old number 22, Butch Neal, saved perhaps his best performance for his Riverchase Cheetahs’ semi-final battle with the Helena Fighting Slovaks.  The EuroTrash Talkers were – what else – talking a good game at the annual Slovensky-Hand Christmas party before the game.  (In fact, Adam Slo was discussing how proceeds from the 1980 Birmingham News Kickoff Cash contest had funded – in perpetuity – all family gatherings.)  But, the Sin Wagon on Sunday illustrated to the Slovaks – in no uncertain terms – that “actions speak louder than words” (Mac Sanderson).  So, in vintage “before-Barry-Harrison-arrived-form” the Cheetahs used their “cat-like-quickness” to outflank the Slovaks – which is not hard to do, just read any European hist’ry book – and slaughter Adam Slo with a devastating A-Double-U.  The final score read like a Johnny Armstrong (the drama teacher – not the basketball coach) poem, Cheetahs 57 – Slovaks 33.”

Real John Facenda line:

From the epic recap of Super Bowl VI (Dallas 24 – Miami 3, - still the only Super Bowl in which one team did not score a TD):

“The fate of the Dolphins now lay in the hands of a Dallas defense called… (pause for dramatic effect – all if he needed to) Doomsday.”

Real John Facenda line II:

From the epic recap of Super Bowl XI (Oakland 32 – Minnesota 14):

“Madden’s rag-tag Raiders – pro football’s winningest franchise in the 70’s – had their championship capped by veteran Willie Brown’s 75-yard interception return for a touchdown.”

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

(I get goose bumps.)  To which, Raiders play-by-play man yelled (in the soundtrack) “Old Man Willie!”

Anyone got another word for tainted or tarnished?

Either way the BDFL’s Big Daddy Bowl comes out (probably sideways) on Sunday will again leave the BDFL hierarchy in yet another lurch.  In a league that used to not award mediocrity, the 15th and 10th place teams in the overall points-totals-standings will play for the championship.  Either team that wins will do so under the “rules that exist at the time.”  That’s the same way the Bullets won in 1997, under the “rules that existed at the time” except that they dominated the competition that year, and scored the most points in the league, without watered-down divisions, and were crowned the rightful champion, and given the prize money at the end of the year at the Super Bowl party by everyone… including Dog.  [An examination of that season also reveals that the Bullets had the title wrapped up – with so many points – that the last two weekends were practically meaningless, and they coasted to vict’ry.]  So, the farce of the 1997 asterisk will (in all probability) continue.  The farce will continue until the asterisk (*) is either removed, or the tarnished title of the Tampa Tarnishers in 2006 and this season’s winner is given some kind of distinction to illustrate the back-doored nature and less-than-credible season-pedigree of the champion.  Especially with the fact that the Tarnishers, Woosiers, and Cheetahs all have other completely legitimate BDFL Championships from other years.  As history goes and is recorded, a good number of the BDFL teams in place now did not exist in 1997 (Woosiers, Gamblers, Juggernauts, Sloth Monsters, Fighting Slovaks, Bootleggers, Wildcats, and Blitz). Those teams, owners, general managers, fans, and groupies have only the Bulletin’s “voice of reason” to explain years-gone-by and the ‘rest of the story.’

“Nothing else matters.  And, what if it did?” John “Cougar” Mellencamp

The Bulletin will not recap the rest of the BDFL playoffs and Mullet Series extravaganza, because it just doesn’t deem it newsworthy.

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