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"Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity"
 

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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries

By Bob Bullet

Week 8: The Quest for the “Helmet O’ Silver” hits mid-season

Dogs Bark! Rip Bootleggers a New One:

Dog wins “Top Dog” award for Week 8. Mark’s Mutts looked like AKA-registered, pure-bred, pedigree, canines of the finest order on Sunday in Brookside. The Dogs ripped the visiting North Canton Bootleggers a new one on the banks of the Five Mile Creek, and sent the northern invaders home with their tails tucked between their legs. Mark Burr has had a tough 2009 season thus far, and quite frankly a tough 14-year career in the BDFL, with basically a “14-year-losing-streak.” Could that be coming to an end? The BULLETIN doesn’t think so. But, for a brief shining moment in the fall of ’09, the Brookside Dogs played like champions, posting a big, “Double A.W.” over the Wood Brothers, 53-11. Dog gave all the credit to his draft night strategy of doing “the opposite,” just like his television hero, George Costanza.

Jerry Seinfeld to George Costanza, after Costanza Walks Out on NBC:

“Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once-a-week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you like the way they did with the elephant man. That's what I'm talking about. Because that's the only way you're going to get better."

Sleds Slap Slovaks:

Mad Jack Barnes – complete with coaching shorts and tube socks – shocked the Slovaks this weekend, with his impersonation of 1980’s wrestler Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka, coming off the top turn-buckle with arms raised and fingers flexing out the “hook ‘em horns – hang ten” hand slogan. The crushing blow hit the Helena Fighting Slovaks like the su-flex. Put it this way, the EuroTrash Talkers did not recover before press time. With the Fairfield Power Sleds flexing this kind of muscle, the rest of the BDFL better beware that there is – once again – a FORCE in Fairfield.

Woodies Whip Wildcats:

The original two-out ball club, the Black Creek Wooden Warriors ventured to upscale Vestavia this weekend, and brought back the big prize, with a huge win over the Rocky Ridge Wildcats. Old Kawliga had the Jeep Cherokee humming on all cylinders over the mountain, and outgunned the BioCats by a baker’s dozen. Now, if the weather will just stay warm enough for the Woodies to stay in contention long enough to get into the Big Daddy Championship Series, and advance a couple of rounds, before they choke in the Big Daddy Bowl.

Blitz Bullies Bullets:

Twenty-eight points was not good enough for the Defending BDFL Champions in Week 8. The Benton Bullets were blindsided by the Druid City Blitz at home at Rebel Stadium in Hayneville on Sunday afternoon. Apparently, ticked with the “yuppie-spangled” Homewood comments, Jerry Fritz was bound and determined to show Bullet what the “Host with the Most” can do when properly motivated. The Blitz now can get back to outdoor grilling in Pleasant Valley in preparation for perhaps another Super Bowl Gala.

Gamblers Jab Juggernauts:

“Thank goodness for Brett Favre.” Still seething from his near-A.W. at the hands of the lowly Slovaks last weekend, “Big Head” Kenny B. took out his frustrations this past Sunday on the Jugtown Juggernauts. The Gulf Coast Gamblers turned the Rice Rockets ‘every which way but loose’ in route to what turned out to be a narrow 5-point vict’ry over the “bunch of girls.” The Dixie Mafia is now looking at all of the post-season possibilities and trying to maneuver into a rematch with ASlo, and Breal doesn’t care if it is in the winner’s bracket or the Mullet Series.

Sloth Slaughter Sissies:

Despite leaving 24-points “on the sidelines” and earning the Dan Reeves “Bonehead of the Week” award, Michael Hewlitt Dismukes managed to still upend the Sissies… er, Pasco County Wizards this weekend. Reverting to Mac Sanderson, 90-pound, Sissies, Parks’ Pixie Dusters were no match for the Sloth Monsters in Week 8. At the post-game vict’ry celebration, Mukes’ announced the good news that his reality series “Spotlight on Mukes” would be returning next season on either fledging cable network the CW, or FX, or maybe even MTV.

Mayor Convicted on all 60-counts, and loses to Grenadiers:

As if losing his court case in overwhelming fashion wasn’t enough, Mayor Lowrey Langford was embarrassed even more on Sunday by the visiting Cool Springs Grenadiers (the franchise formerly known as the Green Springs Grenades). Now the Mayors only lost my one point, but now he awaits sentencing, which could be pretty rough. The BULLETIN has learned that if stretched out, the Mayor could serve 869-years in prison, getting out just in time for the Birmingham Olympics (shortly after Florida and half of Alabama fall into the sea). His perks from the Commissioner – however – could increase to trips, free tickets, or possibly another BDFL “Spirit Award.”

Cheetahs “Taken to School” by Woo Crew:

Woo “scored” one point more than a dozen, and the Sin Wagon “tallied” one-less than a dozen, and 5-will-get-you-10 that, that’s a win for the Woosiers. We know the math is complicated, especially when dealing with one’$ in the back of a smoke-filled room in Smoke Rise. But, the Cheetahs gladly filed out in single-file order with their cash-in-hand even after being handed a loss in the Hills of Hayden. For the Woo Crew, the low point total may have put him farther behind the Gamblers and Bullets in the rugged Red Neck Division, but the valuable win keeps him above the Bullet Line at 5-3, and in good shape for a BDCS spot especially since the other divisions suck (and won’t fill too many spots in the Winner’s Bracket).

Grand Daddy Photo of the Week:

Milton Hand (4) knows who is number one, and that’s his Dad, the defending champion Benton Bullets, and the first-ever wielders of the BDFL Championship Trophy – The Grand Daddy – also known as the “Helmet O’ Silver,” the “Big Prize,” and the “Hardware.”

Photo of the Week, Part II:

Cisco the Commissioner: In a dark corner of a smoke-filled room (we think in Brookside) the Commissioner pays tribute to Coal Truck Driving legend, and D.K. sidekick “Cisco” – author of the famous hat, “My wife has a drinking problem… Me!” and quotations, “Tell Me,” and “I never missed a gear.”

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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