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"It appears that the injuries were sustained from blunt instruments, in all probability, “jack-handles and knives” read the “official police report.” "
 

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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries

By Bob Bullet

Week 9: If the Helmet fits, wear it

Woosiers Roll – Spank Mildcats:

Tommy T.’s Hayden Haymakers landed punches early and often in Week 9, in route to a big, old, hairy, A.W. against the Rocky Ridge Wildcats. The James Gang did not have an answer for the Woo Crew – not in a biology book, chemistry set, or Lionel Electric Train Set instruction guide. The Smoke Risers in the Sky opened up a can of industrial strength whoop-@$$ and poured it all over Vestavia, just to make sure they doused the BioCats. Then they got back in their vintage purple Gremlin and headed back to the safe-haven of Hayden just in time to catch the latest re-runs of the cult classic, Hee Haw. Meanwhile, the Mildcats limped into their cozy, comfortable den in the hills of Vestavia and gently placed the Week 9 “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award on their mantle.

From Incarceration to Celebration:

The Dixie Mafia didn’t know what hit them until they woke up in the South Baldwin County Hospital with multiple cuts, bruises, and contusions. It appears that the injuries were sustained from blunt instruments, in all probability, “jack-handles and knives” read the “official police report.” The wielder of the implements is still unknown by the police. However, the BULLETIN is quite sure it was the Magic City Mayors and their Cronies. Disgusted from last week’s trial verdict – Guilty on all 60-counts – the Mayors took out their frustrations on the Gamblers. Now, the Dis-Honorably Lowry Langford awaits sentencing, incarceration, appeals, cell shakedowns, solitary confinement and book deals.

Mean Machine Defeats Grenadiers:

Paul “Wrecking” Crew and his host of inmates still have the upper hand on the establishment (and the prison guards football team). As Burt Reynolds portrayed in the 1970’s classic, “The Longest Yard,” the inmates’ team known as the “Mean Machine,” came from behind to upset the Prison Guards in an epic football battle. Now, in Fantasy Football, the Mean Machine (Fairfield Power Sleds) were not exactly underdogs to the lowly Cool Springs Grenadiers (the franchise formerly known as the Green Springs Grenades, and founder and leader of the Null Set Club – those without any BDFL Championships). But, their vict’ry over the Commissioner still elevates the Sled Heads to near cult status in West Birmingham, and gives the once downtrodden Steel Workers something to hang their Hard Hats on.

Parks Still Learning (Being Carried) by Hand’s:

When he was still a youngster, Jeff Parks would find his way to Fieldstown to soak up the heritage and vintage of the Hand Family along with overall Sports and NASCAR knowledge. It helped him make it through life. In his college days and shortly thereafter, he would venture out of golf trips with some of the Hand’s to pick up the finer points of the game, and the 19^th hole mentality. On most occasions, he would be carried by Bullet or one of his brothers on the golf course. It helped him learn about life. Well, now in his 40’s Parks is still learning from the Hand’s. This past weekend, in the BDFL, Parks and his Pasco County Pixie Dusters were schooled by the defending BDFL Champion Benton Bullets on the banks of the Alabama River in Lowndes County. The Bullets hammered – and carried – Parks, and when the smoke had cleared, Parks was sulking back to Gator Country with another loss, but with even more life lessons learned at the hands of a Hand.

What’s an A.W.? Slovaks Escape that, but get the Boot:

The BDFL education of the Fighting Slovaks continues into year 5 or 6 of their existence, but who’s counting? And, while an 8-point defeat is no where near an A.W. (21-points or more), the Bootleggers borrowed a line for Toby Keith in Week 9, and showed the EuroTrash Talkers what a “boot up the @$$,” feels like. The Wood Brothers’ big block Dodge was running on all cylinders this weekend, and illustrated to the Pi Cap Caravan that they need to stay in the ASA Modified Bracket until they are ready to run with the big boys. “This ain’t the Gamblers,” said a jovial Jon Wood after the win, “and I mean no disrespect to anyone, except they did lose previously to the Slovaks, and absorb an A.W. from them last year.”

Sloth Monsters Slip Past ‘Nauts:

It wasn’t easy, but Mukes slipped past Home Field package store, Carroll’s, Hooten’s, Albert’s old house, and Mike’s Handy Mart, and remained focused (and sober) enough to slip past the Jugtown Juggernauts this Sunday at Ed Bruce Field at (Driver) Rocket Stadium. Now, after the game, the Three Toed Tree Dwellers climbed back into Albert’s white Grenada with a yellow-canoe-tied-on-top, and hit all of these aforementioned places to celebrate their vict’ry over the Nauts. Put it this way, Mukes and Big Albert’s revelry didn’t stop until they reached the Brass Monkey in Livingston, where it was “standing room only” after Livingston (the University of West Alabama) had upset Buster Brown’s UNA Purple Lions in 4OT’s to earn their first Division II playoff birth since 1975, when Ron Slovensky (dad of ASlo) was their kicker.

Dogs Claw Cats 20-15:

Break up the Dogs: After another horrible start to the season, the Brookside Dogs are barking. Now, they did need some help from the Riverchase Cheetahs, and they got it. Butch captured the “Bonehead of the Week” award for playing the wrong Defense and leaving 12-points on the board – that would have cinched vict’ry. However, for the Dogs, they will take any opportunity they can get to post a win in a tireless effort to break 14-years of frustration. Could things be looking up in Brookside? The BULLETIN doubts it. But, that hasn’t stopped the celebrations in Goose Alley, Wayne’s Place, and under the Dodie Gooch bridge.

Wooden Warriors Whip Blitz:

“A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y,” echoed the cheer Monday Night, following a come-from-a-tie win for the Black Creek Wooden Warriors over the Druid City Blitz. It sounded like that old Indian chant song by Palmerdale’s 1980s and 90s, non-glam-band, Slick Lilly. And, their may have been some O’Tooles from Palmerdale/Pinson Valley Indians that helped old Kawliga out in Week 9. At any rate, the Woodies will take the win. The scalping that the Blitz received will not go over well back in yuppie-spangled Homewood, and ‘the host with the most’ may have to lay low until his hair grows back, which looks like a slim-or-none type scenario at this point. “KAW-LIG-O, O, Ohhhhhhhh! KAW-LIG-O-Ohhhhhhh!”

Water Sports I - Grand Daddy Photo of the Week:

The “Helmet O’ Silver” relaxes by the Lake in Benton, and basks in the glow of a Championship Season and inaugural Vict’ry Tour.

Water Sports II - Grand Daddy Photo of the Week

The Defending Champ – Bullet – poses with The Big Prize in front of the Benton boat launch to the Alabama River (photo taken by 4-year-old Milton Hand).

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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