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The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

2009 Week 7

Wildcats vs. Bootleggers

Ryan James, son of Jerry “Just Say No” James, showed his football prowess three years ago by standing in for the Great & Glorious Wizardo, something the young & impressionable Ryan later described as a moment he would always cherish, at the BDFL Genuine Draft and promptly selected a team that would later be crowned the champions of the BDFL, a feat that gave Merlin his second, untainted BDFL title and his undying gratitude. (Wizard’s Note: Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Merlin has since tried to take sole credit for that championship season, but has had precious little luck getting anyone to believe him.) Proving it was no fluke, Ryan showed his football chops again recently by intercepting a pass to help his team, the Vestavia Hills Rebels, survive a furious onslaught by the arch rival, and nationally ranked, Hoover Buccaneers thereby preserving the win and their region title aspirations, something dad Jerry and his “Declawed FraudCats” might do well to emulate after what can only be described as a criminally bad start to their season. Already half way home to bumping into the “Bullet Rule”, despite a poor Week Six vict’ry that was due more to the schedule maker than anyone in the Rocky Ridge zip code, the Wildcats head to Canton to face Jon Wood’s almost as abysmal  “Hooch Cartin’ Carpetbaggers.” The Bootleggers are coming off a thrilling overtime win over the Mayors, but still have quite a row to hoe if they expect to take the green flag at the start of the BDFL Championship Series. Both have settled on the bottom of their respective divisions so it basically comes down to which turd will float first.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Woosiers vs. Wooden Warriors

Former precocious child star turned self anointed “goon” of the St. Mary’s Church of the Worthless Miracle basketball team, Nicholas Hand, has taken his Hanson brothers, of Slap Shot fame, style of play to John Carroll High School, which includes wrapping his hands in tin foil and watching cartoons all day, where many junior varsity coaches have chosen to cancel games against the John Carroll freshman team, under the weak auspices of “the field’s too wet”, rather than incur the wrath of Nicholas. And it appears father Jaimie and the “Black Crick Spearchuckers” took a page from his son’s play book in a beat down of big brother Bullet in Week Six, something Tommy Todd and the “Smoke Rise ToddPoles” should take heed when they arrive in Fultondale Sunday afternoon. Fortunately for the Woosiers, the Wooden Warriors will be without the services Maurice Jones-Drew leaving it to speculation if this team is the real deal or simply a “one trick pony.” The Wizard says the Warriors’ pony has more than one trick, but not enough to cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Grenadiers vs. Bullets

Among the many things Trey Pettimore learned from Charlie during his two tours of Vietnam, evidently one of them didn’t include telling his fellow Benton resident Bullet to keep his yap shut after going on a three week binge that left them at the top of the BDFL mountain because the high flying “Lowndes Mounds of Manure” promptly fell back to earth after getting thrashed by kid brother Jaimie last Sunday. In Pettimore’s defense, no one has been able to get Bullet to shut his mouth for long. Fortunately for the Bullets, the schedule maker saw fit to give them a break by pitting them against the lowly “Werewolves of Loudon” in what should amount to a turkey shoot down on Copperhead Road. The Grenadiers are parked in the cellar of the Gray Beard Division and visit to Benton is highly unlikely to change yet another lost season for the Grenadiers.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Blitz vs. Wizards

After making a mistake in practice on day, a young and impressionable Wizard (then a mere apprentice and hardly the iconic, legendary prognosticator he would one day become) was berated by a coach who yelled “Parks, the only explanation for that is alcohol, drugs, women, or a combination of the three!”, one that could just as easily have described the poop sandwich Jerry Fritz and his “Pill Pushin’ Pachyderms” churned out last Sunday. Single digit days does not a BDFL champion make, so the Blitz had best heat up like a microwave if they have any legitimate plans of spending the holidays doing something other than fishing for cloudy-eyed mullet in Gulf Shores with the other BDFL “second bananas”, making their trip to Tampa to play the “Sin City Soothsayers” even that much more crucial. Tampa has exponentially more strip clubs and adult novelty stores per capita than any city in the U.S., and more strip clubs period than virtually all American cities, meaning people commit sins in the Bay area Merlin thought were still illegal in all 48 continental states. What it means for the Blitz is that in addition to battling the Wizards, they’ll have to fight off at least as many vices as well in order to get a sack lunch of vict’ry chicken on the way home.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.

Sloth Monsters vs. Dogs

Mike Dismukes and his “Tater Chip Chompin’ Ghoulies” saddle up for a trip to Brookside to play Mark Burr and the “Bone Buriers” at Five Mile Crick Ballpark this coming weekend, and will no doubt be ready to wash the Dogs, and a fistful of potato chips for good measure, down with a gallon of milk after watching the Dogs roll over and play dead in Week Six. In fact, the “Coalburg Canines” more closely resembled the dearly departed dog that Curt Jarvis played right center field beside at the old Stockham Valve softball field. What’s so bad is that didn’t even make the top ten in strangest sites the Great Wizardo saw at Stockham. Nevertheless, while Mukes hopes to make a few memories of his own, the only ones he’ll leave town with will not be remembered too fondly in Silver Lakes.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Juggernauts vs. Mayors

The “Lincoln Bra Burners” would have been better off protesting the unequal rights of women in our society last weekend instead of lining up in the rugged BDFL trenches because their performance on the field went up in smoke early and often leaving them with their heads hung low and their spirits even lower. Still, the Juggernauts have been more than respectable this season as their perch atop the Yellow Hammer Division attests to, but may find that “glass ceiling” they’ve shattered more than not this year has been replaced with something a little more bulletproof upon their arrival in the Magic City to take on Alan Arrington the “Arrested Aristocrats” in a battle royale between two legitimate playoff contenders. While not in first place in the Gray Beard, the Mayors are lurking in the shadows hoping to assume the position as the season begins to near its halfway point while avoiding the long arm the law that has been threatening to entangle them in recent months. Fortunately for Alan, they should be able to play the race card just enough to cash in on the game’s jackpot on Sunday evening while keeping themselves out of the pokie, at least for now.

Wizard’s Winner…Mayors.   

Fighting Slovaks vs. Gamblers

After spending the last several weeks wiping the egg off their face after what can only be described as a pair of deplorable performances (posting a 9 spot two weeks consecutively), Adam Slovensky and the “Roller Boastin’ Beat Boxes” exploded, as predicted by the Wizardo no less, for 51 points last Sunday that vaulted them to second in their division and breathed life into an otherwise rapidly sinking ship. And the Slovaks had best keep their game dialed up to ramming speed when the top ranked “Crescent City Coon A$$e$” welcome them to Nawlins Sunday afternoon. The Gamblers have dealt from the bottom of the deck most of the season, but no one has had the “cajones” to do much about it so far, leaving them as the current BDFL “alpha” dog. Still, the Wizard has been on the Slovak bandwagon all season thinking it’s a team that even Adam Slovensky couldn’t screw up, and although Adam has done everything in his power to steer his team into the drink, they’re still managing to keep their title hopes between the ditches as of press time. Expect that to still be the case when dusk falls on Week Seven.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Power Sleds vs. Cheetahs

There’s likely to be a run on Grecian Formula and Geritol at the local stores in Riverchase when a pair of Gray Beard foes square off at the Cat House to try and relive their flat bellied, fuller head of hair days. In its infancy the BDFL watched Jack Barnes and his “Midnight Train to Memphis” pop out championships like a pez dispenser although in recent years the only thing Jack has popped out that fast are kids. Still, in the last few seasons the BDFL peckin’ order has begun to see flashes of yesteryear as the Sleds have bulled their way back into the championship mix. Their opponent, Butch Neal and his “Tramp Stamps”, on the other hand, used to go down as easily as the local street corner hooker, and for much less, until they promptly reeled off three titles in a span of five years to establish themselves as a legitimate BDFL dynasty, and the Cheetahs are back in the hunt for a 4th ring with the regular season midpoint set to pass this weekend. Both teams should go bowling at the BDFL “big dance” in January, but it will be the Cheetahs cuttin’ the sharpest rug on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 24	ELVO 24

Latest Lines

2009 Week 7

WOO @ WW (P)

WIL @ BOO (-1.5)

BLZ @ WIZ (-2.5)

FS @ GAM (-2.5)

PS @ CHE (-3.5)

SM (-4.5) @ DOG

JUG @ MAY (-4.5)

GRE @ BUL (-6.5)

OPEN: JAX, TEN, BAL, DEN, DET & SEA

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Both have settled on the bottom of their respective divisions so it basically comes down to which turd will float first" when help ensure the Blitz is on the fritz.

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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