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 TheBDFL.com          WIZARDZ WINNERZ                       2008

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From the crystal ball

The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

Week 4

As a Wizardz Winnerz bonus (not to be confused with the “Charles Patterson Extra Round”), the Wizardo is allowing the rest of the BDFL minions to submit their own clever nicknames for the Wizard to use in his Week 7 brilliant, controversial, witty, and always informative prognostications. These types of things should only be attempted by a trained professional such as the Wizard. Nevertheless, in his graciousness he is willing to allow this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can thank him for his show of magnanimity later. On to the picks..

Grenades vs. Dogs

A funny thing happened in Week Three when Chris Hand and his “Banana-eatin’ Bohemians” decided to ease out of Raymond James Stadium a little early to beat the traffic in an effort to score some primo seats at the Mons Venus Gentlemen’s Club on Dale Mabry Highway. They forgot you don’t pack your bags for the return trip home until the fat lady waddles out on stage and sings late Monday evening. That costly oversight sent the Grenades down in defeat thanks to a little “Monday Night Mojo” from the Pasco County Wizards. To make matters worse, with 49…ahem…”gentlemen’s clubs” in Tampa, the Grenades could have stayed to finish business and still had still had more than enough sloppy seconds to choose from later on. Perhaps if they had asked fellow Gray Beard member and “gentlemen’s club aficionado” Butch Neal beforehand, the Grenades could have put that little tidbit of information to good use. However, as it stands the Grenades fall under .500 in the still young season but need a “dubya” on Sunday to stay clearly in the hunt when they face Mark Burr and the “Bouncing Brookside Be-yotches” at Five Mile Crick Ballpark. Although Chris won’t likely encounter any cover charges in Brookside’s “entertainment” district, he won’t cover the ELVO spread either.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Sloth Monsters vs. Blitz

Speaking of Five Mile Creek Ballpark, the Great Wizardo says there’s a plaque at first base on the softball field where the “Tuscaloosa Lawn Riders” played one overcast summer Saturday morning and, more importantly, a side note in history was made when Chris Hand gathered up a chopper at 3rd base on the dead run and did the double bunny hop before firing a laser from the pitcher’s area to seriously hung over 1st basemen Mike Dismukes. Mukes held his glove out to catch the bullet and never reacted once until the ball cracked his collar bone, fell to the ground, and came to a complete stop on the ground. Mukes and his “Tree Huggin’ Hippies” have few memories of that fateful day, but the Great Wizardo says he should have better recollections of his visit to Tuscaloosa to play the “Capstone Pill Pushers” on Sunday afternoon. Both are evenly matched on paper, but with the Blitz line-up being decimated due to bye weeks, the Sloths should be able to catch any bullets the Blitz toss their way.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Cheetahs vs. Wooden Warriors

Staying in the “A Stroll Down Memory Lane – The Lost Brookside Years” theme, it’s embarrassing enough to have the Brookside locals at Five Mile Crick Ballpark misspell your name on the tourney brackets although given the tournament was in Brookside should not make that error so surprising (“Lawn Riders” instead of “Long Riders”). It’s even worse when you throw your gloves out on the field and expect the competition to roll over and play dead. However, nothing tops the embarrassment of not only getting beaten by a “Hot Dog” Sexton led Brookside softball team (even if the majority of the Long Riders were likely still above the legal alcohol limits from the previous nights festivities) except to have Hot Dog openly ridicule your team before the tournament saying he heard there was a bunch of studs coming up from Tuscaloosa and than laughed when he realized it was just a “bunch a boys from Gardendale.” That being said, the sad state of affairs the once proud “Shriekin’ Mohicans” have become this season may soon rival that ignominious debacle if the Warriors don’t suck their guts up and bust somebody’s snot locker in the near future. Fortunately for Jaimie, the “Cheaters” are struggling even more this season and have to battle the ill will of the league hierarchy in addition to the Wooden Warriors, a combination that will prove too much for Butch to overcome.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Bootleggers vs. Wildcats

Last Sunday Jerry James and the “Anything-but-$h*!!y Kitties” opened an industrial sized can of “Whoop @$$” on the Sloth Monsters when they unveiled triple threat wunderkind Ronnie Brown (Wizard’s Note: Okay, so he was only a double threat, but two outta’ three ain’t bad.) to the tune of four TD’s on the ground and one in the air combined with another strong day by Michael Turner "The Burner". Whether Brown can keep up such a torrid pace going forward is highly doubtful, but even a fraction of that production could vault the Wildcats back into contender status. Meanwhile, Jon Wood’s “Big Black Dodge” is down at least one cylinder and may have some terminal problems under the hood to boot that do not bode well for the Bootleggers down the road. With both kickers taking the week off, the Great Wizardo doubts the Bootleggers will put up much a fight on Sunday despite the Wildcats not having Brown back for an encore performance. Still, the Bootleggers will be even more disappointed when they learn their much anticipated visit back to the Deep South is to Rocky Ridge instead of Rocky Top. And it will only go downhill from there.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Juggernauts vs. Woosiers

The Wizardo says it’s a good thing Allyson Edwards and the “JuggerNots” are equally adept at burning rice as they are at burning bras because the Juggernauts season largely went up in smoke the first two weeks of the year before they managed to salvage some pride with a nice win in Week Three. Nevertheless, Allyson will need to have her troops marching in lock-step when they get to Smoke Rise to battle Tommy Todd and the Red Neck Division leading “West Blount Bad Moons a’ Risin’” Sunday afternoon. The Woosiers are typically built for late year runs at the BDFL title, but have managed to get out of the gate more quickly this season than in recent years. Nevertheless, the wiley ol’ Wizardo says don’t be too quick to punch the Woosiers ticket to the Big Daddy Bowl just yet. At least not this weekend because the Wizard smells an upset a’ brewin’.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Gamblers vs. Fighting Slovaks

Kenny Breal and the “One Armed Bayou Bandits” head north again to Slovenia where they face Adam Slovensky and the “Helena Hip Hop Hoodlums.” The Slovaks have reverted to form and are again the laughing stock of the BDFL meaning all is right with the world. Nevertheless, Adam hopes to prove the naysayers wrong (technically an impossibility since the Wizard is the main naysayer and he is by rule never wrong) by the time the Gamblers load up their dice for the long trip back home. To help illustrate the Slovaks plight, many years ago Buckett Burkett entered a softball team in a tournament in Abernant with the brilliant directions to the ballpark of “Abernant ain’t that big. The park shouldn’t be hard to find” ringing in the team’s ears. While losing two and retiring to gnaw on some barbecue ribs was again the order of the day, the days biggest disappointment fell to an elderly gentlemen who thinking that a number of former Bama football stars were on hand for the tournament (a rumor floated by Buckett) sidled up to the Wizard and with breathless anticipation asked him if he was Mike Shula. Once the Wizard assured the man he was in fact not Mike Shula, the crestfallen look of sheer disappointment that spread across the man’s face was almost palpable. So much so that the Wizard doubts the older gentlemen lived much longer after the heartbreak of that day. The moral is the Slovaks won’t be quite that disappointing, but there won’t be any celebrations in Helena come Sunday evening either.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.    

Bullets vs. Mayors

It’s a safe bet you won’t find Bullet and the “Lowndes County Saturday Night Specials” standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. And if they were you can just about bet the ranch that if a girl in flatbed Ford slowed down to take a look at this crew, however motley they may be, the Chevy lovin’ Bullets wouldn’t lower themselves by returning the stare. Nevertheless, the Bullets are at it again trying to bring home the first untainted BDFL title in Hand/Slovensky history, and will continue their quest at Fair Park this weekend where they will meet Alan Arrington and the “Pork Barrel Boys” in a game between two evenly matched foes. While the Mayors suffered their first loss of the year, the Bullets went ugly early against the Woodies, got the best of the uglies, and left for home with a “dubya” for their troubles. Unfortunately for Bullet, their Saturday Night Specials may look good on Saturday evening, but they’ll pretty much be “Joe Average” come Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

PowerSleds vs. Wizards

In keeping with his softball tinged brilliant commentary and insightful analysis, the Great Wizardo remembers a two-n-cue tournament in Gardendale where the Wizard’s team, led by Coach Tommy Morton (he of the constant obsessive-compulsive practice swing), were battling the Fultondale Sewage team led by a host of Headleys in the tourney finals. The game was played on the high school field and was tight the whole before going into extra innings. Just when things seemed to be going against the “good guys”, Coach Morton famously declared, “We are NOT losing to the Fultondale Doo Doo Pumpers!” Another Tommy Morton legendary saying was born as he than proceeded to lead the team to the title. Merlin and the “Magical Mystery Tour” took the same approach last weekend when they came from well behind to edge the Grenades in a hotly contested battle at Raymond James Stadium. While the Wizards may need to conjure up that magical phrase again on Sunday against the visiting, and resurgent, “Fairfield Sleighmakers”, the Great Wizardo does not think the Wizards will pull this one out, or at least they will not cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Adam hopes to prove the naysayers wrong (technically an impossibility since the Wizard is the main naysayer and he is by rule never wrong) by the time the Gamblers load up their dice for the long trip back home"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week II

"Once the Wizard assured the man he was in fact not Mike Shula, the crestfallen look of sheer disappointment that spread across the man’s face was almost palpable. So much so that the Wizard doubts the older gentlemen lived much longer after the heartbreak of that day"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week III

"It’s a safe bet you won’t find Bullet and the 'Lowndes County Saturday Night Specials' standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. And if they were you can just about bet the ranch that if a girl in flatbed Ford slowed down to take a look at this crew, however motley they may be, the Chevy lovin’ Bullets wouldn’t lower themselves by returning the stare"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week IV

"...the Wizard’s team, led by Coach Tommy Morton (he of the constant obsessive-compulsive practice swing)..."

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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