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 TheBDFL.com          WIZARDZ WINNERZ                       2008

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From The Wizard

 Week 13

Sloth Monsters vs. Dogs

It was a typically stifling hot summer day in Alabama at Stockham Valve Field when Curt Jarvis ambled out to right center field in a two ‘n que softball tournament (whether or not this was a certified “B” class tourney could not be verified at press time) only to discover, and subsequently announce to those involved, a dead dog in roughly the same spot he had planned to occupy in the outfield. From the Wizard’s point of view, that about sums up the “Coalburg/Brookside Bone Buriers” 2008 season despite a stunning upset of the Woosiers in Week 12. Still, no matter how dire the circumstances may be, at least the Dogs always have the prospect of heading over to Grandma Slovensky’s house and heating up some leftover barbecue from the annual Slovensky/Hand 4th of July bash. Mike Dismukes and the “Silver Lakes Limb Loungers” have no such luxuries to help soothe the wounds from a disastrous year where the Sloths could have so easily been a contender had the Schedule Maker not decided to play cruel tricks on them all season. Witness Week 12 as a perfect example where the Sloths poured out an impressive 42 point barrage only to see their opponent ring up 60, leaving Mukes feeling sicker than the day Bucket accidentally gave him a blue de-worming pill to help cure a hangover before yet another sultry summer softball tournament at Stockham Valve.  Nevertheless, expect the Sloths to salvage a bit of pride this weekend when they trample the hapless Dogs underfoot.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Juggernauts vs. Wooden Warriors

Allyson Edwards and her “Nauty Nannies” travel to Fultondale to match up against Jaimie Hand and the “Sewer Suckers” in what will be a key contest for two teams still clearly in the playoff hunt. While the Juggernauts have already passed the elusive seven win mark, the Warriors are still knockin’ on the door heading into Week 13 in desperate need of both a “dubya” and a heap of points if they have any plans of getting their play off hopes off a respirator anytime soon. Unfortunately for Jaimie, it may be time to make reservations in Orange Beach for the annual mullet toss because the Great Wizardo does not see the Wooden Warriors squeezing out enough points to qualify, even if they do cross the “Bullet Line” in the next two weeks. The Wizard also says that the forecast for a 7th win looks to be a daunting one this week because the Juggernauts are clearly better on paper and will prove it on the field as well by the time the sun sets Sunday evening. While Jaimie often claims that his big, fat nanny “made a bad boy outta’ me” while growing up, something the babes in Niagara Falls would readily agree with, the Wizardo says the Juggernauts will not take kindly to playin’ wet nurse to the Warriors and will rudely dump them back in their crib for an unplanned dirt nap.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Grenades vs. Fighting Slovaks

The Hand/Slovensky clan claims four of the sixteen members of the BDFL, a staggering percentage if you think about and one that may need to be, shall we say, diluted to maintain the high standards the BDFL has set over the years, especially if two limbs of the family tree in the form of the “Nashville Charades” and the “Ellis Island Imbeciles” continue to perform at their current levels of incompetence. Although the Fighting Slovaks are the poster boys for immigration reform, Chris Hand and the Grenades have been taking knives to a gun fight for the greater part of the year. Assuming kid brother Jaimie continues his descent, which the Wizard says is very likely, it won’t be “a banner effin’ year at the ol’ Bender household” leaving D.K. Hand to hang his head in shame. In fact, the Grenades are a scant 7 point above the lowly Slovaks in the point rankings leaving no room for Chris to make fun of his cousin while scrambling to avoid the humiliation that would come with losing to Adam. Nevertheless, lose the Grenades will do according to the Wizard’s crystal ball after the Slovaks welcome their cousin to Helena only to pull the welcome mat out from under their feet.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Bullets vs. Gamblers

A Monday night surge by the Juggernauts had the “Lowndes County Local Yokels” yellin’ “Gimme’ back my bullets, put ‘em back where they belong.”, but it was too late as the Nauts escaped Trey Pettimore Stadium with an important, hard fought win in Week 12 despite Bullet using every “Charlie” inspired trick in the book from his two tours of Nam to trip them up. Nevertheless, the Bullets have to pack for a trip down the Mighty Mississipp’ to the Bayou for a date with the “One Armed Bandits” who have looked more like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest in 2008 than the contenders they normally portray. The Bullets have been riding a balanced scoring attack all the way to the top of the Red Neck Division, and appear to be poised to carry that momentum into the playoffs. The last time anyone floated as much firepower down the Mississippi River as the Bullets plan to do, it was when Colonel Jackson led a largely rag tag group of U.S. Army to New Orleans to battle the bloody British at the end of the War of 1812. Although the battle was fought several weeks after a peace treaty was signed, the U.S. vict'ry over the much more advanced and better supplied British redcoats still counts as win in the good guys’ column. And the Wizard sees little to prevent the Bullets from having a similar level of success on Sunday afternoon when they arrive.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Blitz vs. Mayors

After chopping up the Wooden Warriors in Week 12 at Black Crick Park, Jerry Fritz and the “Pill Pushin’ Pachyderms” move on to a Week 13 encounter with the “Magic City Beltway Boys” with their playoff hopes very much intact. Still, with only two regular season contests to go before moving day in the BDFL, it’s time for the Blitz to bring the house come Sunday afternoon if they harbor any plans of keepin’ a dog in the hunt. Meanwhile, the Mayors are alone at the top of the Graybeard Division although a quick trip to Prattville to regroup may be in the offing after the drubbing they took last weekend. Despite the beat down, their closest rivals, the Sleds, also stumbled badly leaving the Mayors’ cushion largely unchanged. Neither team can afford a let down because a tightly bunched field, including these two, leaves all of them vulnerable to going from in the championship chase to on the bubble to shut out completely at the mutual window leaving the Great Wizardo to speculate that his “if ya’ got ‘em;, show ‘em” mentality may be the necessary tool to drive a wedge between the contenders and the pretenders. In the end, the Mayors will likely still be at the top of the Graybeard heap while the Blitz see their grand plan left in pieces.
Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Bootleggers vs. Wizards

Though technically still alive, realistically Jon Wood and his “Bath Tub Gin & Juice Boys” are largely going through the motions as they wade through the last couple of weeks doing little more than making laps for their sponsors and chasing ambulances in their big, black Dodge, though word has it they’re demonstrating much more zeal for the latter versus the former. Conversely, a few drops of Merlin’s Pasco Tabasco has been heating up the competition in recent weeks giving the “Oz Men” what appears to be the much coveted Greenhorn Division title, and getting their ticket punched to the Big Dance. Still, momentum is everything and staying on a roll is important in a league that eats its young for sport, especially if you don’t want to end up as the main course, so the Bootleggers can expect Merlin to stay up all night on Saturday cooking up a particularly potent witches brew to serve his visitors come Sunday afternoon. And while the Pasco Tabasco the Wizards serve Jon and the Bootleggers will definitely have plenty of kick to it, the Great Wizardo suspects Jon will have just enough horses under his hood to at least cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Wildcats vs. Cheetahs

Expect the fur to be flyin’ when the two resident BDFL big cats tangle this weekend at the Riverchase Cat House to determine who the feline alpha male truly is. In most years this would have the makings of a play off preview, but while Jerry James and the “Fang Gang” appear poised to take home a division title and the high seeding that comes with it fully assembled, Butch Neal and his “Sin Wagon” look a little long in the tooth, and more like the “Has Ben Wagon” after staggering through a calamitous 2008 campaign that has them suckin’ on the BDFL hind teat headed into Week 13. While the Cheetahs are known for their ample teats, plastic ones though they may be, the great Wizardo strongly suspects this wasn’t exactly what Butch had in mind. Regardless, ELVO smells blood in the water after regaining first place in the POTY a scant few weeks after his seemingly insurmountable lead over the Wiz was rudely overturned, and decided to take a chance on hangin’ a big number on this match up. The problem is while ELVO went big, he didn’t go big enough thereby not getting the best of the bigs.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Power Sleds vs. Woosiers

After taking his team to the Super Bowl in his second season in the NFL during a record setting year, Dan Marino probably soothed his hurt feelings after the 49’ers soundly thrashed his Dolphins by thinking he had plenty of time to get back and win the NFL’s grand prize. A funny thing happened though. Despite a stellar career that would take him to the halls of Canton, suspect defenses, an even more suspect running game, and some particularly good Buffalo Bill teams over much of his era saw Marino never make it back to the Super Bowl, leaving a big hole in an otherwise all star resume. The one hole not missing in Marino’s resume was how on a cold, dark night in Pittsburgh after ironically taking a beating at home from his archrival, the Penn State Nittany Lions, Dan Marino and Bill Fralic (a freshmen at the time but already clearly the beast that would dominate college and NFL defensive lines in the future) got what had to be the thrill of a lifetime after meeting the young Great Wizardo at a post game party. A clearly awed Marino would later write about this momentous meeting in his memoirs as the highlight of his career. The Wizard’s recollection of the event is not nearly so rosy, and only remembers how he froze his @$$ on the sidelines during the game, something he made sure an apologetic Marino was well aware of later. The point is the Sleds one the first two BDFL titles and assumed they spit out championships in much the same way as he and his lovely bride, Lisa Waites Barnes, spit out kids…like a pez dispenser. Still, after all these years the Sleds have yet to even sniff another championship. And the Wiz says they won’t get so much as a whiff of one this year either.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"A Monday night surge by the Juggernauts had the “Lowndes County Local Yokels” yellin’ “Gimme’ back my bullets, put ‘em back where they belong.”, but it was too late as the Nauts escaped Trey Pettimore Stadium with an important, hard fought win in Week 12 despite Bullet using every “Charlie” inspired trick in the book from his two tours of Nam to trip them up. Nevertheless, the Bullets have to pack for a trip down the Mighty Mississipp’ to the Bayou for a date with the “One Armed Bandits” who have looked more like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest in 2008 than the contenders they normally portray"
 

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The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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