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From The Wizard

2009 Week 5

Sloth Monsters vs. Bullets

It’ll be just like old times when Mike Dismukes and the “Tri-toed Limb Loungers” pay a visit to Bullet and his “Pistol Packin’ Posse” at Trey Pettimore Stadium in Benton in Week Five. Many moons ago when Mukes moved to Montgomery for work, Bullet gladly took in his old pal for the princely sum of one case of beer per week, a sum Mukes was more than happy to pay…and then drink as often as not. Unfortunately for Mukes, Bullet may have a far higher asking price this time around, and that soon after the Sloth Monsters arrive they may find the first place they can “whip ‘at sumbitch in for a beer and burger” will likely be right in the middle of a nest of unfriendly hillbillies with only the worst of intentions for their guests.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Woosiers vs. Grenadiers

The Great Wizardo always says the girls get prettier at closin’ time, a salient point that just as easily applies to victories like the “Brentwood Grindin’ Gears” limped away from last week in edging the Slovaks. A win that was as ugly as it was welcome to the struggling Grenadiers. Waiting on the Grenadiers will be Tommy Todd and the “Smoke Rise Hay Shakers” outfitted in their required uniform…a lobotomy and some tights. Chris seems to be having difficulty navigating the treacherous waters of the BDFL this season where its members eat their young, and anything else they can get to sit still long enough to get a fork in it, especially if someone else is picking up the tab. An observation backed up by Chris trading for a quarterback after he had been benched. 6.5 points is a lot to give a BDFL team, but the 2009 edition of the Grenadiers are at best a pale imitation of one.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Gamblers vs. Dogs

Harking back to their legendary days on the softball fields of the Gulf Coast, Kenny Breal and the “Riverboat Gamblers” will churn up the waters of Five Mile Crick in an effort to feast on Mark Burr’s “Pounded Pups” while the getting’ is good. After taking a licking in Week Four despite a respectable point total, bye weeks and the general malaise that has settled over Brookside makes the Dogs an easy target for predators such as the Gamblers. Despite the 5.5 points ELVO is layin’ on the Dogs, the Wizard thinks that not only is ELVO not being generous to the Dogs, he in fact may even be a little too stingy in his prediction. In the end, the Dogs will have their tails tucked long before the Gamblers arrive in order to beat the Christmas rush leaving the Gamblers a clear path to vict'ry and, more importantly, covering the spread.

Wizard’s Winners…the Gamblers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Fighting Slovaks

The suddenly “Sinjin’ Injuns” have heated up at a microwave pace in recent weeks and will look to stay hot when they visit Adam Slovensky and the “Fainting Slavs” who have not only heaped shame on their team and family name with two consecutive 9 point outings, but have also piled shame on the Green Horn Division, something fellow Green Horn Jaimie and the Warriors will be more than happy to point out when they give the Slovaks an expected beat down. ELVO seems to agree with the pundits that the Slovaks will be like lambs led to the slaughter as evidenced by a healthy 7.5 point spread, but the Great Wizardo, as only he can do, has brought to bear his penetrating brilliance to stare through the haze and fog to see a Slovak team that is, believe it or not, underrated and will more closely resemble a wolf in sheep’s clothing than anything else.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Power Sleds vs. Mayors

The “Fairfield Gas Guzzlers” take their gigantic carbon footprint on the road this weekend to battle intra-divisional foe Alan Arrington and the “Makin’ Bacon Bureaucracy” at Fair Park on Sunday afternoon, but fortunately for the tree huggers among us, and you know who you are, Jack and the Sleds aren’t likely to cause too much global warming since the trip to Fair Park is but a hop, skip, and a jump from Jack’s palatial digs at the Dolodome. (Wizard’s Note: When the Wizard was but a young, impressionable apprentice, the tree huggers were talking about global cooling and that mankind was in the process of bringing on the next ice age. Other than a couple of snow days, the Wizard doesn’t remember it being anything to write home about.) The Wizard always says you can throw out the record books and the walking canes when a pair of Gray Beard Division foes meet, and this weekend will be no different. Still, ELVO likes the Sleds, but he may have saddled up to the wrong wagon train.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Wildcats vs. Juggernauts

Jerry James and the “Rocky Top Aristocats” must have dusted off their “Just Say No” slogan when asked if they wanted to ring up big numbers in Week Four because the “Aristocats” played more like paupers last Sunday in taking home a toilet seat and the four points that gave them such a dubious honor. Nevertheless, the Cats will try to land on their feet in a Week Five match up with the suddenly imposing “Lincoln Killer Queens.” After a blistering 39 point barrage last week, Allyson Edwards and her Juggernauts were in no danger of becoming a moss-covered stone after rolling big over the Blitz. Further, the Nauts will try to keep hope alive by de-clawing the visitors on Sunday at Talladega International Speedway. However, the Wizard says both teams are more paper than tigers, and would happily go against each were they not playing each other. However, that is not the case so the Wizard will hold his nose and say…

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Wizards vs. Cheetahs

A mere week after a gift-wrapped vict'ry from the schedule maker in Week Three, Merlin and the “Lollipop Guild” found there’s still no place like home when they watched their kicker nail a 46 yard field goal in the waning seconds to pull out an overtime vict'ry at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. While the win touched off a wild celebration and a run on dollar bills at the local banks, the Great Wizardo sees trouble looming for a team lacking many scoring punches, a problem that will not go away and will eventually catch up to the Wizards. And the pendulum may begin to swing back as soon as this Sunday when the Wizards travel to Riverchase to play Butch Neal and the suddenly formidable “Paws and Claws” where Merlin will quickly discover he’s no longer in Kansas and clicking his ruby red slippers will only be in vain.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Bootleggers vs. Blitz

Jon Wood and the “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” get closer to their roots when they head back to the Southland to take on Jerry Fritz and the “Ditz Blitz”, who were unimpressive in getting thrashed by the Nauts in Week Four and, to add insult to injury, had little else to show for their efforts other than a well deserved “A.W.” Still, the long trip and jet lag will likely take a lot of starch out of the Bootleggers, enough so that a quick trip to the grocery store to buy some more won’t help that much. Add to that a heartbreaking overtime loss last Sunday and the Wizard says that equals another long day at the track for Jon’s big, black Dodge.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.       

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 17	ELVO 15

 

Latest Lines

2009 Week 5

BOO @ BLZ (P)

WIL @ JUG (-1.5)

WIZ @ CHE (-2.5)

PS (-3.5) @ MAY

SM @ BUL (-4.5)

GAM (-5.5) @ DOG

WOO (-6.5) @ GRE

WW (-7.5) @ FS

OPEN: ALL TEAMS PLAYING

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"...Merlin and the “Lollipop Guild” found there’s still no place like home when they watched their kicker nail a 46 yard field goal in the waning seconds to pull out an overtime vict'ry at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. While the win touched off a wild celebration and a run on dollar bills at the local banks..." when help ensure the Blitz is on the fritz.

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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