Fighting Slovaks vs. Woosiers

During periods of the Hundred Years War of the 14th century between England and France, English troops, mainly archers, roamed the French countryside plundering and pillaging in an effort to strike terror into French citizens while also feeding themselves and trying to strike it rich at the expense of their enemy’s people. All of this while the French army, which often struggled not from courage or skill, but rather poor leadership or simply being too divided to work in unison, was largely helpless to prevent it. The French named these marauding Englishmen “Hellaquins” from which the Alabama town of Helena gets its name. Okay, maybe the Wizard made up the last part about Helena, but he does reserve the right to draw on his artistic license when necessary. Nevertheless, Adam Slovensky and his “Helena Hellaquins” have gone from being the butt of most BDFL jokes to a legitimate title contender, making the Wizard take note while wondering when, if ever, he used the words “Fightin' Slovaks” and “contender” in the same sentence. Opposing the Slovakian juggernaut will be the top ranked “Hayden Hillbillies” who have ridden the arm and legs of Michael Vick to the top of the BDFL heap. Even before Vick went on a tear, the Woosiers were a formidable lot to face, and little has changed to make the Wizard think otherwise. Still, the great Wizardo knows timing is everything and says that even if the Woosiers survive the first round, they will not cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 

Cheetahs vs. Grenadiers

In 2009 Chris Hand and his “T-Town Troopers” survived a tumultuous regular season just long enough to make a late surge down the stretch that ended with a championship series sweep and the Grenadiers first BDFL title. However, while in 2009 the Grenadiers had to squeeze their playoff aspirations through the back door when going through the front was hardly an option, it seems their memory has become conveniently short in 2010, a year where the Grenadiers have been at or near the top of the BDFL peckin’ order all season, including a Graybeard Division title. The case of amnesia the Grenadiers have developed since then has them looking down their noses at 2010 championship contenders that snuck into the playoffs in much the same fashion as they did in 2009. One of the “great unwashed” will face the noble Grenadiers on Sunday when Butch Neal and his “Riverchase Dandy Lions” come to Tuscaloosa to take on their bitter divisional rival. The Wizard says the BDFL’s only three time champion doesn’t have the chops of recent years, but that they won’t need them to cover the spread against a Grenadier squad that is in a state of decline at a time when the consequences are terminal.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and the “Talladega Dreadnaughts” have become a fearsome sight to their fellow BDFL competitors after building what has become the most balanced attack in the league over recent weeks. Whether it’s Drew Brees lighting up the skies or Darren McFadden burning up the roads, the Juggernauts may be the team to beat at the BDFL’s “Big Dance.” Having the unenviable task of trying to slow down the Juggernauts is Merlin and his “Magical Mystery Tour”, a team that needed a late season drive to even sneak into the playoffs. Nevertheless, on any given Sunday, especially when it’s a “one & done” bracket, the lamb can take down the tiger, even in the rough and tumble world of the BDFL. That being said, the Great Wizardo fears the Wizards “Magical Mystery Tour” may have a less than stellar opening, be panned by the critics, and shutter its door in rapid fashion when it comes to beating the Nauts, or even covering a modest spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Mayors vs. Dogs

Alan Arrington and his “Pork Peddlin’ Pander Bears” have hardly mauled the competition this year, but have managed to blend into the woodwork much of the year before emerging to qualify for the playoffs at crunch time. For their efforts, the Mayors were rewarded with a first round match up opposite Mark Burr and the “Brookside Boners” in one of the most evenly matched games of the day. Both teams have similar records, point totals, and personnel, so this one could come down to who can make the best calls at crunch time. It was often said of legendary football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant that he could take his players and beat yours before turning around and taking your players and beating his, a testimonial that speaks volumes about Bryant, and one that is also supported by his achievements. Neither of these coaches will ever be confused with Bryant, but the Mayors are hungry to join the multiple time champions club in order to shed their “one hit wonder” tag while the Dogs are simply looking to take one step closer to a first ever title. At the wire in all likelihood, the Wizard says it’s the Dogs that will be waggin’ the Mayors.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Bootleggers vs. Wooden Warriors

Jon Wood and the Wood Brothers’ big block, black Dodge have spent most of the season on pit road with the hood up, or simply up on blocks back in the garage. No amount of tinkering under the hood has worked this season for the “Hooch Haulers”, and it’s a safe bet if the Bootleggers were still running whiskey down to Knoxville in this year’s edition, they would have long since been arrested by the Revenuers and thrown under the jail. Opposite the Bootleggers are the suddenly red hot “Sinjin’ Injuns”, who have been smoking the competition like a stack of ribs on the grill at the Slovensky compound in Brookside on the Fourth of July. Unfortunately for the Wooden Warriors and in spite of a point total that would have landed them among the higher seeds in the championship series, they hit the afterburners right after they slipped below the “Bullet Line” for good. Even providing proof of his continued dominance in his “other” league was not enough to get him back in the good graces of the league hierarchy. Back when he starred for the St. Elizabeth church league basketball team, Jaimie would check himself back in during blow outs in order to pile up points in what amounted to “garbage” time, and the Great Wizardo sees that little has changed.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

 

Sloth Monster vs. Power Sleds

Just as there was no joy in Mudville when Casey went down swinging, taking the Mudville Nine with him, neither is there much happiness among a pair of former BDFL champions preparing to square off in Gulf Shores Sunday afternoon. The PowerSleds, as the Wizard correctly deduced early on, were more sizzle than steak; a prophecy that proved on target after the “Bolts” began short circuiting at the season’s midpoint, moved to rolling blackouts soon thereafter, before taking the whole power grid down with them by season’s end. Meanwhile, Mike Dismukes and his “Limb Loungin’ Lushes” played like they were spending more time trying to cultivate something under their noses that grows wild in other people’s rear ends than trying to mount another championship run. Tossin’ mullets in Gulf Shores isn’t what either had in mind when the season kicked off, but expect these two put their best foot forward at game time. Unfortunately for Jack, his PowerSleds that will likely mean taking another step backwards.

Wizard’s Winner…Sloth Monsters.

 

Blitz vs. Gamblers

When Kenny Breal and his muscle bound, banana eatin’, certified “B” class (they’ve got everything to prove it) ball players first barnstormed their way across the BDFL to two titles their first couple of seasons, it looked their home run trot was going to become a fixture in the BDFL for some time to come. Although the “Delta Dawns” have made a few runs since then, they have not seriously challenged for a BDFL title since, and won’t this year either as their arrival in Gulf Shores indicates. Whether the rest of the league has caught up to the Gamblers, or if Kenny’s gang is just spending too much time in Natchez regrouping is anyone’s guess. What the Great Wizardo knows for certain is the Gamblers need to take the next three games to smooth out their home run stroke and find their swagger if they want to rejoin the league elites. On the other side, after finding little more than a heap of futility in their first several seasons, Jerry Fritz and the “Tuscaloosa Thundering Herd” are still scrambling to find some traction in a league with only two types of teams, the quick and the dead. Quarterback problems plagued the Blitz all season, and continue to do so at press time, but the Great Wizardo says the Blitz still have enough in reserve to pull the plug on any hopes the Gamblers had of avoiding yet another “dead man’s hand” come Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.

 

Wildcats vs. Bullets

If you don’t have a knife or firearm when you walk into the Little Brown Jug in Benton, AL (Wizards’s Note: The Little Brown Jug was a bar frequented by Lynyrd Skynyrd that was the inspiration for Gimme Three Steps), they give you one of each at the door, and most years you won’t even get three steps in before you’re lookin’ down the barrel of a .44. However, this season the “Whiskey Runnin’ White Trash” has been as quiet as a mouse, or as quiet as Bullet can possibly be, which is actually “if ya’ can’t pee in the tall grass, ya’ can’t run with the big dogs”, or cats as the case may be. For the Wildcats even a trip to the litter box became an adventure in a lost season they hope to forget as soon as the gun sounds in Week 17. Further, the Great Wizardo also says that just as water seeks its own level, so too do a pair of, at best, mediocre teams find themselves opposite each other in the BMS, which the Wizard said stands for the “Bowel Movement Series" (this has been confirmed by Iron Hand, the Commissioner of the BDFL). The Bullets arrived in Gulf Shores early to get a leg up on the other BMS competitors, but instead of getting their arms in shape, the Bullets spent more time tossing back Uncle Buds than anything else, and will find out on Sunday those 12 ounce curls aren’t much good when it comes to tossin’ mullets.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.