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 Wizardz
Winnerz
Week 7
Mayors vs. Wooden
Warriors
Alan Arrington and his “Baloney Cronies” have managed to claw their way
into the upper rung of the BDFL peckin’ order in spite of it being a
political season where incumbents are running for cover like cockroaches
scurrying across a kitchen floor when the lights are turned on. And the
Mayors will find themselves in less than friendly territory when they
invade the “Injun” reservation to tackle the “Wounded Warriors”, who are
coming off a tough loss that left them halfway home to violating the
“Bullet Rule” well before the first leaves began to fall. Nevertheless,
the Mayors need to fully appreciate that approaching a wounded animal is
always an invitation to potential disaster. And the Great Wizardo
forecasts plenty of pain for the Mayors this weekend when they try to
finish off the Warriors, or at least enough of it to keep them from
covering the generous ELVO spread, when the lights come up late Sunday
night.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.
Grenades vs. Cheetahs
In 1814 Andrew Jackson and his men took a little trip down the Mighty
Missisipp’ to bloody the nose of the British red coats in New Orleans.
The fact that it occurred two weeks after a peace treaty had gone into
effect is merely semantics, and hardly lessened the beat down on the
Bayou the U.S. troops gave their neighbors from across the big pond. And
Chris Hand would like nothing better than to double time his “Roamin’
Legions” down the Cahaba River to do the same to Butch Neal and his
“Frisky Felines” on Sunday afternoon in a bid to reassert his Greybeard
dominance while simultaneously alerting the rest of the division that
the old regime is far from handing over the keys to the kingdom. While
scoring with the Cheetahs requires little more than an informal
introduction and the backseat of someone’s ’60 Chevy, the Grenadiers may
find their frontal assault meets with more stiff resistance than
expected that may require the visitors to withdraw from the field of
battle more than once to regroup before pressing home the attack. Still,
Chris sees his gloriously mounted shock troops sweeping down the field
like the Charge of the Light Brigade. The only problem is the British
cavalry that made that Crimean War battle famous were ultimately
decimated by their Russian counterparts, and it’s the Wizards guess that
by the time the sun sets on the weekend, the Grenadiers may find their
level of success meets with a similar fate.
Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.
PowerSleds vs. Wizards
After spending the last few weeks positioning themselves for a midseason
run, Cap’n Jack and the “Pasco County Pirate Tyrants” forgot to keep the
barn door shut on what appeared to be an important victory in Week 6,
and instead watched the Dogs snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
while handing the Wizards a crushing defeat as payment for the
oversight. Nevertheless, the Wizards have to buck up before Sunday
morning when Jack Barnes and the “West Jeff Mean Machine” roll into the
Sunshine state with the worst of intentions. The Sleds sport a nifty
record and have a point total that is easily enough to qualify them for
the play-offs were they to start today yet they face a Greenhorn foe
that is desperate for a victory, and one that will have no problem
emptying their bag of tricks in a bid to move back to within a game of
.500. The Great Wizardo sees this one hanging in the balance until late,
but says the Wizards will not be able to overcome the PowerSled’s horses
under the hood to even grab a win, much less cover a hefty spread by
ELVO.
Wizard’s…the PowerSleds.
Bullets vs. Dogs
After a thrilling victory in Week 6 that saw Mark Burr and the “Coalburg
K-9’s” use every point of a splendid offensive effort to outpoint the
Wizards, the Dogs return to the friendly confines of Five Mile Crick
Ballpark where Hotdog Sexton, Owen Bodine, and the rest of the Brookside
faithful will be out in full force to try and cheer their hometown team
to yet another victory and, more importantly, another step towards the
BDFL’s “Big Dance” beginning Week 15. Standing in their path will be
Bullet and his “Banjo Strummin’ Bureaucrats” who themselves are coming
off an impressive victory over the Grenadiers that has thrust them into
the middle of the play-off hunt as well. Last season Bullet took what
amounted to a three car team (one of his cars lost its sponsor early in
the season) in the four car Godzilla Racing Series, the nation’s most
outstanding fantasy league as voted by members of the media, and ran
away with the title, and is threatening to pull off a similar feat in
2010, lending credence to his claim that he’s “forgotten more about
NASCAR than the rest of you know combined.” Whether or not that parlays
itself into BDFL title is still up in the air although early results
could certainly lead most to believe there truly is some magic in the
B.S. Bullet continually spouts at an alarming rate. Unfortunately for
the Bullets, the Great Wizardo’s handy dandy B.S. detector has been
blaring long and loud regarding the Bullets, and he says the Dog’s bite
will likely be much worse than its bark, and certainly enough to take a
bite out of the Bullets plans for victory, or at least covering.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
Woosiers vs. Wildcats
Olivia Newton-John. There’s little doubt a young and impressionable
Wizard had a huge crush on Olivia Newton-John back in her “Grease” era
days, and strongly considered her to be a part of the bevy of beauties,
a list that included Stevie Nicks and Deborah Harry, he planned to take
to Utah, marry all three, raise a passel of rug rats, and maybe form a
rock band. Of course, when the Wizard learned that polygamy was against
the law, even in Utah, his plans cooled a bit and eventually fell apart
completely. Still, Newton-John always held special place in the Wizard’s
heart, enough so that he even listened frequently to “Have you Ever Been
Mellow” while growing up, a secret he held close to the vest for years
afterwards until later sheepishly admitting to the indiscretion with the
excuse that “love makes you do some strange things.” Whether or not
Nicks, Harry, or Newton-John were aware of, or approved, the Wizard’s
plan was not fully known at press time, but it still makes for a good
story. No particular reason for the “peak behind the curtain” of the
world’s preeminent prognosticator. The Great Wizardo just felt his fans,
who are legion in their numbers, would want to know.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.
Gamblers vs. Juggernauts
One week after tasting defeat for the first time, Alyson Edwards and her
“Bar Burning Feminazis” went back to their winning ways and are on
cruise control and safely within the play-offs were the season to end
today. Unfortunately for Alyson, the regular season still has a rugged
eight week stretch before determining who gets their ticket punched to
the “Big Dance”, and in the rough ‘n tumble world of the BDFL, that can
be an eternity for anyone suspect to resting on their laurels. First up
to test the Nauts is Kenny Breal and his “Creole Kings”, who plan to
array their fanciful court in Lincoln in preparation for an
inter-division battle of extremes. Unfortunately for the Gamblers, any
chances they have of pulling off the upset will rely heavily on pulling
an ace out of their collective hats, something that is very unlikely in
Lincoln where local law enforcement frowns severely upon card cheats,
unless, of course, they are homegrown. Regardless, the Great Wizardo
says the Nauts have more than enough cards in their hand to cause the
Gamblers to fold like a cheap tent in a windstorm.
Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.
Sloth Monsters vs. Bootleggers
Mike Dismukes and the “Bantam Phantoms” have been lightweights all
season when it comes to point production, but as the only team in the
Greenhorn Division with even a .500 record, the Sloth Monsters would be
the ones dancing were the play-offs to start today, and have a genuinely
outstanding chance to strengthen their position when they pay their
respects to Jon Wood and the “Canton Rubber Lubbers” north of the Mason
Dixon line this coming Sunday afternoon. In the Wizard’s beloved home
state of Alabama, the saying often goes “thank goodness for Mississippi”
since it is usually courtesy of its neighbors to the immediate west that
Alabama is not on the bottom of almost every conceivable measure of
affluence in the United States. A logic the Bootleggers may want to
strongly consider since it is only the Slovaks that keep them from
resting on the bottom of the BDFL hierarchy. While that may be a
comforting thought for Jon and the Bootleggers, the Great Wizardo says
the Sloth Monsters will snatch even that security blanket away from the
home team come Sunday evening.
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.
Fighting Slovaks vs. Blitz
As the BDFL’s favorite punching bag, and the Great Wizardo’s most
reliable punch line, one would think Adam Slovensky and the “Helena Euro
Trash” would have developed a firmer chin by now. Unfortunately for the
Slovaks, their glass chin still shatters on contact with great
regularity, enough so that ELVO has posted a relatively massive 6.5
underdog tag on Cousin Adam in spite of the Slovaks playing the almost
as inept “T-town FritzKrieg” this weekend at Tuscaloosa Central
(pronounced “Centr-AL) High School Stadium. Whether or not ELVO has been
reading his press clippings too much, has begun drinking heavily, or has
simply lost what little is left of his mind is up to debate. What is not
up to debate is that this match-up gets the BDFL’s “Toilet Bowl”
designation in Week Seven, a designation that is richly deserved by
both. While the Wizard does favor the Blitz, and thinks they have the
makings of a much better team than they’ve shown to date, an injury to
Vince Young and MJD being stuck on a simply horrible team will make it
virtually impossible for the Blitz to cover the spread, even if they
manage to post a “dubya.”
Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.
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