Wooden Warriors vs. Fighting Slovaks

Their “other” league” where they dominate not withstanding, after being eliminated from championship contention, Jaimie Hand and the rest of the Fultondale Septic Tank Suckers began piling on points in garbage time like there’s no tomorrow, which unfortunately is the case for the Warriors when it relates to their caviar dreams of BDFL glory. Meanwhile, Jaimie’s cousin Adam Slovensky and his sparked-out-teeth “Foamin’ Fro-men” have been flashing some serious bling in recent weeks that has helped catapult them into the eight and final spot in BDFL championship series. However, the Slovaks hold on that position is precarious at best, and can only be secured by either a PowerSleds loss or a PowerSleds vict'ry where the Slovaks are within at least five points of the Sleds Week 14 total. Needless to say, the pucker factor has hit dangerous levels this week, something that will only go up even more when Adam faces down Cousin Jaimie in an intra-divisional and familial rivalry. The Hand family began verbally abusing the Slovenskys soon after Mary Ann Slovensky and D.K. Hand tied the knot fifty years ago, and the abuse has not faded much over the years giving this match up a little added spice. Unfortunately for Adam, he will find the Warriors have too many tricks up their sleeve and too many arrows in their quill for the Slovaks to overcome.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

 

Wildcats vs. Grenadiers

Chris Hand and his “Knuckle Draggin’ Banana Eaters” may pull on their fire engine red, polyester coaching shorts one leg at a time like everyone else, but it’s been what they’ve done afterwards that has positioned them for a run at a second straight title. Still, timing is everything in the BDFL’s “run for the roses” so simply tossing their wife beater t-shirts out on the field will hardly guarantee the Grenadiers a chance to hoist the silver helmet again. In their regular season finale, the Grenadiers face Jerry James and the “Cat Scratch Fevers”, who have been on their sick bed virtually all year despite what on paper appears to be a more than respectable team. However, the Wizard always says the proof is in the pudding, and to date the pudding has been mostly horrid. Ordinarily the Great Wizardo would favor the Grenadiers, but thinks ELVO has completely lost what little is left of his mind in making the Wildcats a 10.5 point dog, a decision he will have “buyer’s remorse” on come Monday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

 

Sloth Monsters vs. PowerSleds

Jack Barnes and his “Midnight Train to Memphis” have likely been subsisting on Exlax and Milk of Magnesia this week because their pucker factor is tight as a tick heading into their last regular season with everything on the line. Not only must the Sleds defeat Mike Dismukes and the “Goth Monsters” on Sunday, they also have to outscore the Slovaks by six points to move into the eighth and final playoff slot. Meanwhile, after having what appeared to be a run to the playoffs dashed by a late season fade that would do the Warriors proud, the Sloths would like nothing better than to sink the PowerSled’s championship series aspirations. And according to the Great Wizardo, such a scenario is a likely one since the smoke ‘n mirrors the Sleds used to launch an early season run has long since dissipated like fog on a blistering August morning. The Sleds are simply a p!$$ poor team that masqueraded as a legitimate one, and the Sloths will strip away the last vestiges of that illusion, and cover the spread for good measure.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Bullets vs. Gamblers

One of life’s most difficult challenges is muffling Bullet, who drones on like a busted chainsaw, long enough to get in a word edge wise, a task made even more difficult after the Bullets completed a back-to-back NASCAR Fantasy League championship. To make matters worse, Bullet did so while being one car short both seasons. However, the normal chatter coming from Benton has been held to a mild roar in recent weeks after his “Honky Tonk Hillbillies” bowed out of title contention making this weekend’s match up with Kenny Breal and the “Blue Bayous” a mere afterthought. In one of his many rants, Bullet complained that letting nephew Nicholas Hand draft for him was the beginning of the end for any title hopes the Bullets may have harbored, something the Great Wizardo could have told him should hardly been surprising when dealing with that particular branch (Nicholas is one of Jaimie’s nine kids by nine different women) of the Hand family. When the Wizard entered the BDFL, not only was he pushed to the back of the bus on draft day, he was also foolish enough to draft off of Jaimie Hand’s “B” list, a bunch of hastily scrawled names on the back of a paper napkin by Jaimie that ultimately led the Wizard down the primrose path to disaster. To add insult to injury, Jaimie also gave the young and impressionable Wizard a tip that Irving Spikes of the Dolphins was Jimmy Johnson’s “go to guy”, inside information that proved to have cataclysmic consequences for the Wizard in his rookie year. The point is the fruit rarely falls far from the tree, an old wise tale the Bullets have learned the hard way.

Wizard’s Winner…Gamblers.

 

Cheetahs vs. Juggernauts

Alyson Edwards and her “Rice Rockets” have proved equally adept at burning bras, rice, or their BDFL brethren through thirteen weeks of the regular season, something Butch Neal’s “Caterwauling Cougars” had best be aware of when they arrive in Lincoln on Sunday afternoon. The Equal Rights Amendment of the early 1970’s sought to give women more equal rights under the law, an amendment to the Constitution that ultimately failed. However, Alyson has decided to strike out on her own and shatter the BDFL’s glass ceiling with a most impressive run heading into the regular season finale. Meanwhile, the Cheetahs are hanging on to the 7th seed in the Big Daddy Championship Series (BDCS) at press time although only a gargantuan collapse could keep the Cheetahs from the playoffs and what they hope will be an unprecedented 4th BDFL title. Unfortunately for Butch, the Great Wizardo says they are three parts pretender and one part contender, an assertion the Juggernauts will be more happy to illuminate this weekend while also covering the hefty 5.5 point spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Mayors vs. Woosiers

Tommy Todd and the “Woo Crew” have skimming through the normally roiling waters of the BDFL as if it were smooth as glass for practically the entire season, and have built a commanding lead because of it. However, with the playoffs beginning next week, that safe lead will be wiped clean leaving the Woosiers on the “one and done” road to the BDFL title. Nevertheless, the Woosiers have proved far more resilient than even the Wizard suspected, a trait that has been supported by the savvy draft day selection of a resurgent Michael Vick. In what could easily be a championship preview, the Woosiers will test Alan Arrington and his “Phony Cronies”, who have been only slightly less impressive through thirteen weeks of play. Still, the Great Wizardo sees the Woosiers as too dependent on Vick and the continued impressive play of the unheralded Adrian Foster, and the Wizard says “one trick ponies do not a BDFL champion make.” Were it most other BDFL competitors, the Wizard would concede that the Woosiers were the superior team and take the points, but the Mayors are hardly your average brown turd, something the Woosiers and ELVO will learn the hard way when they try to flush Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

 

Blitz vs. Wizards

Jerry Fritz will be cooking up a mess of the “Gritz Blitz” before he packs up for a trip to the Sunshine State to take on the surging “Pasco Hex Hurlers” in Tampa. Frequent trips from Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson to Tampa to threaten scholarships appears to have been effective in righting a ship that was listing dangerously to starboard. With a pass to the “Big Dance” safely in hand, the Wizards can focus on positioning themselves in the seeding and knocking the rust and dust off their patented Charleston and Fox Trot routines. Meanwhile, the Blitz are just making laps for the sponsors heading into their regular season finale with absolutely nothing riding on the game’s outcome. However, the open quarterback position that has haunted the Blitz in recent weeks due to injury received a reprieve when Brody Croyle was summoned to replace injured starter Matt Cassell in Kansas City. Whether or not having Brodie Croyle as your quarterback is better than having no one at all is up to debate, but a strong ground game, especially in December, can spell trouble for the opposition meaning the Wizards could be in for a long afternoon where the chances for even winning will hang in the balance, much less covering the 6.5 point ELVO spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.

 

Bootleggers vs. Dogs

With their BDFL chops being questioned by the league hierarchy, Jon Wood and his “Cranky Yankees” have their backs against the wall despite having long since been kicked to the curb in terms of qualifying for the BDFL’s championship series. Standing opposite them is Mark Burr and his “Fabulous Free Birds” who have hardly been kicked to the curb, or anywhere else for that matter, as their record and point production indicate. In fact, the Dogs are nippin’ at the heels of the Juggernauts for the Yellowhammer Division title, so with championship series positioning and a division title riding on the outcome, it’s in the Dogs best interest to do much more than roll their bone on to the field Sunday afternoon. Fortunately for Mark, tossing the Bootleggers a bone is about all it will take to vanquish the visitors from the North. In the War of Northern Aggression, occasionally referred to as the Civil War, Sherman’s vict'ry at Atlanta and subsequent march to the sea not only turned the tide in the war, but also in a hotly contested presidential election where if Lincoln had lost, something he appeared certain to do prior to Atlanta being taken by the Union army, his opponent, General George McClelland, would likely have come to terms with the Confederates and forever changed the course of human history. That being said, there is no danger of the Bootleggers even marching through Brookside to Ol’ Man Kelsie’ Creek, much less through Atlanta and on to the Atlantic Ocean.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.