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 Wizardz Winnerz - Week
3
By: The Wizard
Sloth Monsters vs.
Grenadiers
When Conan, as played by Arnold, was asked during the movie what was
best in life, he replied in a thick Austrian accent, “To crush your
enemies, see them flee before you, and hear the lamentations of their
women.” The Great Wizardo suspects Chris Hand and his “Nantucket
Minutemen” thought much the same thing after battling tooth and nail to
win the 2010 BDFL title. However, the present rapidly becomes the
distant past in the BDFL and 2010 is practically prehistoric as the 2012
season enters its third week. Still, the Grenadiers are undefeated
despite less than spectacular point totals as they prepare to host Mike
Dismukes and the “Silver Lakes Tree Huggers” on Sunday. It is little
known that Arnold’s accent was so bad in his first movie that his lines
were dubbed in by someone else. Unfortunately for the Sloths, they will
no such help on Sunday.
Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.
Fighting Slovaks vs. Wooden Warriors
If the season ended today, Adam Slovensky and his “Vanilla Ice Gorillas”
would be the top seed in the BDFL championship series. The Wizard may
need to say that again. If the season ended today, Adam Slovensky and
his “Vanilla Ice Gorillas” would be the top seed in the BDFL
championship series. If there’s a true sign that the end times of
the apocalypse are drawing nigh, this would be proof positive. Since
joining the BDFL, the Slovaks have been the punch line for every BDFL
inspired joke as they have proven to be to the rest of the league what
the Washington Generals were to the Harlem Globetrotters; namely, little
more than cannon fodder. Nevertheless, heading into a Week Three
showdown with Cousin Jaimie and the “Splinted Splinters”, sitting atop
the BDFL is none other than the Slovaks. Of course, you would have to be
living under a rock, and a very big one at that, to not hear Adam
carping about his high ‘n mighty Slovaks on a seemingly hourly basis not
to know that. However, in the end you only have so many “dubyas” you can
pull out of your rear end, and the Great Wizardo says the Wooden
Warriors will knock Cousin Adam down a peg this weekend, at least enough
to cover.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.
Armadillos vs. Bullets
Kurt Prewitt once stared down a young Roger “the Rocket” Clemens without
blinking when Kurt was playing baseball at Bama in the College World
Series against Clemens and his Texas Longhorns. No such heroics will be
necessary when the surprising “Lone Star Steers” arrive in Benton to
take on Bullet and the “Shag King Confederacy” at Trey Pettimore
Stadium. Both teams sport .500 records and are evenly matched on paper
which is why it requires a prognosticator with the mad skills of the
Wizard to discern where fact meets fiction. With that in mind, the Great
Wizardo says this match-up should go deep into the night before all the
votes have been tabulated, but that in the end the Bullets will pull
down the Stars ‘n Bars & wave a white flag in its place.
Wizard’s Winners…the Armadillos.
Wizards vs. Cheetahs
After giving ELVO a pounding of biblical proportions in the 2011 race
for the POTY, the Wizard didn’t expect ELVO and his alter ego, Iron
Hand, to go quietly into that good night. And quietly Iron did not go if
the first two weeks of the season are any indication. Despite a pair of
largely impressive outings, the Schedule Maker has seen to it that the
Wizards have nothing to show for their efforts. Things may not get any
easier this Sunday when the “Gator Raiders’ invade Riverchase to battle
the four-time BDFL champion “Stray Cat Strutters” with serious
implications for both. The Wizards did get off the “schnide” while the
Cheetahs need to come up to full speed after a pair of somewhat modest
efforts to start the season. In the end the Wizard says Iron will order
the Schedule Maker to continue making life difficult on Merlin. Whether
it’s enough to keep them out of the win column is not a certainty, but
the Wizards are not covering this.
Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.
Gamblers vs. Woosiers
Being born in the backseat of Greyhound bus rollin’ down Highway 41 may
have been an inauspicious beginning for Kenny Breal, but it has hardly
stopped his “Delta Dice Devils” from becoming a force in the BDFL as
their two BDFL titles testify to. Still, coming “close but no cigar” in
recent years has the Gamblers feeling a bit “chippy” these days. Even if
that were not the case, a pair of underwhelming performances the first
two weeks of the season have had the same effect. Nevertheless, Kenny
and the gang head to West Blount County to try and right their ship at
the expense of Tommy Todd and the “Smoke Rise Mary Janes”, who have been
even less stellar in two losses to open the year. What’s worse, ELVO has
taken those two losses by the Woosiers, ugly losses at that, and managed
to make them a 3.5 point favorite leading the Wizard to suspect ELVO has
been tokin’ on some Mary Janes of his own.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.
Blitz vs. PowerSleds
Jack Barnes and the “Fairfield Electric Light Orchestra” have staggered
out of the gate in 2012 in what has been, so far, a tepid defense of
their third BDFL crown, and are hopeful that a return to the Dolodome
and the home cookin’ that goes with it will cure what ails them. Enter
Jerry Fritz and the ‘Pill Pushin’ Pachyderms” who are due a “dubya” and
some love from the Schedule Maker after rolling up two impressive
outings only to have two losses to show for their efforts. Still, the
Wizard is not quite sold on the Blitz nor is he convinced the swoon of
the PowerSleds will last much longer. However, ELVO apparently didn’t
get the same memo because he has made the Blitz a 4.5 point favorite.
While it is shocking, even for the inept and hapless ELVO, to lay down
that level of disrespect for a fellow Graybeard Division member, a move
that will send reverberations throughout the division, in the end being
“dissed’ by ELVO may be just the motivation the Sleds need to counter a
post BDFL title hangover.
Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.
Juggernauts vs. Mayors
Speaking of hearing the “lamentations of their women”, Allyson Edwards
and the “Ambulance Chasin’ Amazons” took out their frustrations from a
Week One loss by taking down a good Sloth Monster team last weekend.
Nevertheless, the Nauts will have their hands full again this weekend
when they take on Alan Arrington and the “Bleeding Heart Bureaucrats” at
Lawson Field on Sunday. The Mayors are off to a blazing start in 2012,
and have no intention of “redistributing” their point totals to the less
fortunate league members. As the old political saying goes, “Don’t tax
me, don’t tax thee, tax the man behind the tree.”, or the “woman behind
the tree” in this instance, something Allyson will find out all too well
when she leads a team of mostly “pretenders” against Alan’s
“contenders.”
Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.
Wildcats vs. Dogs
Mark Burr and the “Tirebitin’ Terriers” were charter members of the BDFL,
but have never sniffed a title except for one or two second place
finishes. Although Jerry James and the “Big Fanged Felines” have a much
shorter BDFL tenure, outside of one serious title run the Wildcats
haven’t put up much more than a token resistance to the rest of the rank
‘n file either. However, 2012 may be a different story as the Cats have
exploded out of the gate in their first two outings and have two
“dubyas’ and a second place league ranking to show for it. Meanwhile,
the Dogs are off to a much more modest start although at least they have
one win under their belt. ELVO is high on the Cats, as he should be.
Whether or not ELVO’s excitement is due to the Cat’s performance or some
under the table gift offering in an effort to curry league favor is
anyone’s guess. Still, making the Cats a favorite is reasonable although
the wiley Wizard thinks the Dogs may be playin’ possum so far, a keen
observation he wouldn’t expect ELVO to catch.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
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