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 Wizardz Winnerz - Week 1
By: The Wizard
The Wizard vs.
ELVO 2012
When asked
if he accepted Rocky Balboa’s challenge for a rematch, a dismissive
Clubber Lang sneered and said, “I do not accept the challenge because he
is no challenge. However, I will take this opportunity to beat on him
some more.” Similar words were muttered by the Wizard when asked if he
would accept ELVO’s challenge to fight for the 2012 POTY. Of course,
despite the beating Lang gave Rocky in their initial fight, accidentally
killing Mick, Rocky’s trainer, with a pre-fight shove, it pales in
comparison to the industrial sized can of “whoop @$$” the Wizard opened
on ELVO in 2011.
Armadillos vs. Cheetahs
It pays to be in the good graces of Chris Hand, the iron-handed ruler of
the BDFL, because once proper homage is paid and fealty sworn to his
Highness, plenty of “goodies” can be expected to help tip the scales in
their balance versus the rest of the BDFL peckin’ order. Once such token
of appreciation from the Iron Hand to BDFL “insider” Butch Neal was an
early break from the schedule maker by making BDFL rookie Kurt Prewitt
and his “Army of Dildos” the opening day opponent for Butch’s “Fang
Gang” in Riverchase on Sunday afternoon. Rookies tend to fare poorly in
the BDFL save the Gamblers and their two titles in their first two years
rumble, and 2012 is not likely to be much different for the Armadillos.
While their draft has some definitive gems, a complete lack of fire
power at the kicker position (even if he tried to combine them like
Mukes during his rookie season) will likely leave Kurt sucking air come
Sunday evening.
Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.
Fighting Slovaks vs. Juggernauts
When searching for iconic moments in its history, it would be hard to
argue against the “Mt. Rushmore” of Rock ‘n Roll being, in no particular
order, the Beatles “invasion” on the Ed Sullivan Show, Elvis’ swiveling
hip being cropped by nervous television executives, Nirvana’s bass
player catching said bass with his face after tossing it high in the air
at the MTV Music Awards, and, of course, Stewie Griffin of The Family
Guy and his stirring rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man. For Allyson
Edwards’ “Rice Rockets” and Adam Slovensky’s “Fainting FUBAR’s” there
are no such iconic moments, but rather a road largely paved with one
humiliation after another. While Allyson has flirted with a modicum of
success in recent years, the Slovaks have done little more than flirt
with disaster. In total, while the Wizard is always loathe to bet on the
Slovaks, he also thinks the Juggernauts are little more than a “one
trick pony” with Aaron Rodgers leading a cast of outlaws and misfits.
Wizard’s Winner…the Fightin' Slovaks.
Grenadiers vs. Gamblers
Chris Hand and his “Johnny Cockstuds” will no doubt spend plenty of time
ironing their fire engine red, two-sizes-too-small, polyester coaching
shorts and “wife beater” tee shirts (Wizard’s Note: Rumor has it Chris
enlisted brother Jaimie to help him with some “primpin’” tips.) prior to
making their annual trip to the Gulf Coast to take on Kenny Breal and
his “Bayou Yahoos” in a double elimination, Tahiti blue dot, certified
“B” class softball tournament this weekend. Kenny usually “comps” the
commissioner in hopes of currying favor with the BDFL's High Command,
and is usually rewarded with enough goodies to keep his team competitive
during the rigors of a long season. Nevertheless, both teams are eager
to come out of the gates fast so don’t expect much sister kissin’ from
these two until after the game. And judging by the 3.5 point ELVO is
giving his alter ego, the Grenadiers, Chris has already found the purple
Kool Aid, but will find out the hard way that it doesn’t taste nearly as
good coming up as it did going down.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.
Sloth Monsters vs. Woosiers
When stringing together a series of state wrestling championships at GHS,
Tommy Todd was once asked why he was so successful. With his usual
“Cheshire Cat” grin, Tommy said, “A lobotomy and some tights.” While the
two may have proved a formidable duo back in the day, the Wizard opined
it may not be quite as effective when drafting BDFL teams if the tepid
excuse for a team Tommy drafted is any indication. Meanwhile, Mike
Dismukes put together a team that is hardly flashy, but will likely put
up enough points each week to keep them in the playoff hunt meaning
Mukes and his “Groovy Ghoulies” had to be at least a little tipsy
because a sober Mukes does not draft well. Whoever made up the slogan
“Don’t Drink and Draft” never met Mike Dismukes, who, coincidentally,
never met a beer he didn’t like. Fortunately for Mukes, sober as judge
or three sheets to the wind, the Sloth Monsters shouldn’t need to pull
out everything in their arsenal to take down the “Woo Crew.”
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.
Mayors vs. Wooden Warriors
Alan Arrington, fresh off another successful draft day shin dig at his
house that will no doubt be rewarded by the Iron Hand with a few stealth
rule changes to benefit the ‘Shadow Commissioner”, is eager to take his
“Magic City Machine” out for a spin to see what they have under the
hood. And they’ll get to do just that on the ride north on Highway 31 to
Black Crick to take on Jaimie Hand and the “Wahoo Nation” on the
reservation. While Jaimie normally fields a healthy roster bred on
homogenized milk, the Great Wizardo suspects someone switched it with
Milk of Magnesia this year because this may well be the crappiest team
the Warriors have ever fielded, at least on paper. The Mayors are hardly
a “Show Pony” themselves, but really don’t need to be to leave the
reservation Sunday evening with a “dubya”, and their scalps, firmly in
tow.
Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.
Wizards vs. Dogs
Mark Burr and the “Brookside Tirebiters” have toyed with BDFL success
over the years, but have rarely gotten within sniffing distance of a
title, at least until now. The Dogs may be fielding their most serious
threat to finally take home the coveted BDFL silver helmet in 2012 after
a stellar across the board draft that leaves them ready to take a bite
out of anyone careless enough to wander too close Five Mile Crick
Ballpark for comfort. First up to see if the Dogs are more bark than
bite are Merlin and his “Pixie Pirates”, who plan to sail up Five Mile
Crick this weekend to trade broadsides with the home team. The Wizard
has fond memories of multiple 4th of July horseshoe throwing titles at
the ol’ Slovensky estate beyond the right field fence, in addition to
stuffing as many barbecue ribs down his yap as possible before being
asked to leave, but may find the welcome wagon to not be nearly as
friendly this time around. Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson drafted a
more than respectable team for Merlin, but with Maurice Jones-Drew just
ending his hold out, it’s possible MJD may be too full of MGD to help
the Wizards snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
Wildcats vs. Blitz
After a year away from the rough ‘n tumble BDFL, and a year bliss on
draft day for Butch who usually drew the short straw of sitting beside
Jerry, the “Rocky Ridge Mildcats” are back in the BDFL as part of a two
team expansion this season as the Iron Hand seeks to raise revenue by
selling franchises like the Pope used to sell indulgences. While
technically not rookies, it would be hard to expect much more from the
Cats than would be expected of a BDFL “yearling” given their follies in
the BDFL during their previous stint. Outside of the errant run or two,
the Wildcats have proved to be little more than cannon fodder for the
rest of the league although their “Just Say No” approach did produce a
legitimate title contender although at the expense of Butch’s sanity on
draft day, albeit admittedly a level of sanity that had already been
called into question. Facing the Wildcats will be Jerry Fritz and his
“Rushin’ Prussians”, a team with its own sad tale of league anonymity
yet one that, on paper at least, has fielded its strongest contender to
date by far. One strong enough to make some serious waves around the
league this season. With a roster loaded from top to bottom in potential
“game breakers”, 2012 may finally be the year the Blitz earns their BDFL
chops. In spite of that, the Wizard doesn’t like giving 5.5 points to
the Wildcats, especially on opening day when jitters are usually at
their worst, but says Cats will have to show they belong before he
softens his viewpoint towards them.
Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.
PowerSleds vs. Bullets
Expect the carbon footprint in Benton to increase exponentially this
weekend, at least enough to have Al Gore howling in protest, when Jack
Barnes and his “Motor City Mad Men” descend on Trey Pettimore Stadium to
take on Bullet, the “Shag King Confederacy”, and their Chevrolet with
the peace sign, the mag wheels, and four on the floor in the marquis
match-up of opening day. Pitting the Big Daddy Bowl opponents from last
season should lead to plenty of fireworks in Week One while giving the
rest of the league a good idea which team may be suffering from a Big
Daddy sized hangover. The Bullets have taken home two titles, one of
those being the dreaded “tainted” title of 1997, while the Sleds, after
winning the title in the first two inaugural BDFL seasons, finally
returned to the top last year after a fifteen year absence. On paper
both teams appear to have a comparable number of horses under the hood,
but San Diego’s perennial slow start (Rivers & Kaeding form the backbone
of the Bullet attack) may be what tilts the scales in the Sleds favor
come the end of the day.
Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds
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