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 Wizardz Winnerz - Week
2
By: The Wizard
Dogs vs.
Grenadiers
In the epic movie 300, King Leonidas told his fellow Spartans, who
were vastly outnumbered by tens of thousands of Persians under the
command of the legendary Xerxes (Wizard’s Comment: “Xerxes was pretty
good. But he’s no Wizardo.”) prior to the beginning of the battle
“Spartans, ready your breakfast and eat heartily for tonight we dine in
hell!” The Great Wizardo suspects that was some sort of inspirational
pre-game speech, as macabre as it may have been, yet effective. And the
Wizard suspects Chris Hand told his “Grinnin’ Deer” something similar
judging by how his T-town troops devoured the Gamblers on opening day.
Nevertheless, the Grenadiers had best not rest on their laurels when
Mark Burr and “Mange Covered Mongrels” arrive on Sunday afternoon. The
Dogs are loaded and fresh off a Monday night miracle that allowed them
to notch a “dubya” in their opener. Spartan women told their warrior men
to “return with your shield or on it”, a warning the Grenadiers had best
heed if they expect to survive this dog fight.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
Bullets vs. Wooden Warriors
Yet another chapter of the “Siblin’ Civil War” will erupt this
weekend when Bullet and his “Moonshine Haulin’ Hillbillies” wander on to
the reservation to take on little brother Jaimie and the “Black Crick
Turd Toters” in a Week Two showdown. Both teams fell on opening day with
Jaimie losing a high scoring slugfest while Bullet managed to crap in
his pants even more the his opponent. In a telling move, both teams
moved one step closer to Def Con 1 by trading their kickers on the week
they play, a suspicious move that was “rubber stamped” by the league
hierarchy after their palms were greased sufficiently. Nevertheless,
it’s never easy to win at Black Crick Ballpark because the home standing
Wooden Warriors know where all the nooks and crannies are, have the
referees in their back pocket, and know their warning track power, along
with some micro-waved Tahiti blue dots, is more than enough to hit the
long ball. The Bullets will put up a fight, but it won’t be nearly
enough to keep the “Injuns” from taking more than enough scalps to claim
a win and comp a room at the local casino.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.
Woosiers vs. Cheetahs
Whether it be in the back seat of their ’60 Chevy, on the edge of
the cornfields, in a dark back room, or some trusty woods, Tommy Todd
and the “Bad News Woos” wasted much of their misspent youth workin’ on
mysteries without any clues, and completing ruining the reputations of
numerous young ladies in the process, but those days of debauchery might
come in handy when Butch Neal’s “Buxom Bimbos” welcome them to the
Riverchase red light district this weekend. The Woosiers are still
trying to rid themselves of the stench that comes with the A.W. the
Sloths administered to them last week, and hope they have enough tricks
up their sleeves to handle the Cheetahs. Unfortunately, you can’t B.S. a
B.S. artist nor can you teach a bunch of table top dancers much about
life when they’ve been around the block enough times to get confused for
a NASCAR event, a lesson Tommy will when the smoke clears Sunday
evening.
Wizard’s Winners…the Cheetahs.
Wildcats vs. Armadillos
They say everything’s bigger in Texas, and it would be difficult to
convince the Wizard otherwise after Kurt Prewitt and his “Lonestar
Longhorns” two-stepped into Riverchase and castrated the Cats in their
BDFL baptism by fire. This week the Armadillos face another tall order
when they welcome the league leading “Western Hills Fe-Lions” who roared
out of the blocks with a massive 44 point barrage, a total that easily
outpointed a spirited, but ultimately doomed effort by the Blitz. Still,
the Great Wizardo says he suspects theirs a lot more sizzle than steak
in “them thar” Armadillos, and that since all his exes live in Texas,
Kurt and the Armadillos would be better served to reside in Tennessee
for the time being. Still, Kurt hasn’t learned to heed the lessons of
the sage Wizard, and will take his lumps on Sunday because of it.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.
Wizards vs. Mayors
Merlin and his “Lollipop-wielding Munchkins” thought they had a
sucker bet lined up after jumping to a ten point lead going into Monday
night. Unfortunately the BDFL “gods” had other ideas, ones they unveiled
after Ray Rice sauntered to a pair of touchdown runs the brought the
Dogs from behind and snatching vict'ry from the jaws of defeat. The
disheartened Wizards have to shake of the heart-breaking loss in time
walk up the Yellow Brick Road to Birmingham where they will take on Alan
Arrington and his “Magic City Monarchs”, another BDFL team that put up
impressive numbers before ultimately falling to the odds makers. The
Great Wizardo would not be surprised if the Mayors up end the Wizards,
but suspects ELVO will go heavy on his fellow Greybeard batter mate, at
least enough to keep them from covering.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.
Juggernauts vs. Sloth Monsters
Mike Dismukes and his “Tri-toed Limb Loungers” came out blazing on
opening day, and laid an ‘A.W.” on the Woosiers as the veritable coup de
gras on day well played. Meanwhile, the “Bra Burners” showed plenty of
fight before ultimately falling to the Slovaks although it is hard to
claim a “moral victory” when you lose to the worst team in league
history, no matter the score. Nevertheless, in their quest to gain BDFL
respectability from the league’s ‘good ol’ boys”, the Nauts head to
Silver Lakes to take on what may well be an imposing bunch of Sloth
Monsters. While the Sloth’s 37 point outburst may have had league
officials scrambling to see if Mukes had employed two kickers (an ill
advised strategy Mukes tried to employ his rookie year), the Sloth
Monsters only had the league mandated one. In the end, the Wizard
doesn’t see the Nauts rolling to much more than possible an "A.W." on
Sunday, and says the Sloths remind him of Clint Eastwood’s character in
Gran Torino when Clint uttered, “Ever notice how you come across
somebody once in a while you shouldn’t have #%@&*@ with? That’s me.”
Allyson will have a better understanding come Sunday.
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.
Blitz vs. Fighting Slovaks
“Break up the Slovaks” is about as alien a comment as you could ever
hear throughout the annals of BDFL history. In fact, keeping the Slovaks
together was to their fellow BDFL compatriots what Underwater Basket
Weaving is to some college students; namely, GPA “therapy.” Still, after
one week of BDFL action, the “Helena Euro Trash” are undefeated while
ranking among the league leaders in points scored forcing the league
hierarchy to give them a nod, even if only a grim one. Now the Great
Wizardo knows you can’t judge a book by its cover, and that the BDFL
race to the title is more of a marathon than a sprint. In spite of that,
the Slovaks may be a team to watch in the early going if RG3 can
continue his heroics. However, Adam will need more than a “one trick
pony” to hold off Jerry’s “Tuscaloosa Tusk Toters” in Week Two, and had
best go back to the barn to look for some more if he plans to make it
two in a row. The Blitz, on the other hand, have a balanced attack that
may create waves in the BDFL this season, especially if Richardson can
stay healthy and pile up touchdowns in Cleveland. Ultimately, the
Slovaks were bounced out of every country in Europe for a good reason;
something the BDFL will realize again this weekend.
Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.
Gamblers vs. PowerSleds
Kenny Breal and the ‘Delta Devils” had more to sulk over than their
loss in Week One. Namely, only to have one of their beloved Green Bay
Packers in the starting line-up, or even in a position to contribute
much, if anything, to their team. The NASCAR fantasy league equivalent
would be when Jaimie doesn’t get to draft Gordo he basically pouts most
of the year and spends more time “lolly gaggin’” than anything else.
Kenny was so heart broken after the draft he even drove up to Kiln, MS
to try and convince Brett Favre to make one last comeback, but even the
prospect of another moment in the sun wasn’t enough to pluck #4 off his
tractor. Kenny would have likely had a much easier time recruiting Roger
Clemens to make a comeback instead since “the Rocket” never met a
television camera or light he didn’t like. The Gamblers face the
“Fairfield Jack Puddings” this weekend in a contest between two evenly
matched teams (i.e. don’t try prognosticating this game at home) that
could well come down to the wire before a winner is decided.
Nevertheless, the Great Wizardo foresees Kenny drawing an inside
straight, which should be enough to cause the PowerSleds to fold like a
cheap tent.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.
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