The Bulletin

W7: Cream cheese and wholesale carpet

The Bulletin is your source for weekly BDFL game summaries and more.

Here’s The Bulletin for Week Seven 2026: Volume 32, Number 7.

Mayors Finally Lose at Polls and on Gridiron:

No more undefeated teams remain in the Big Daddy Football League in 2026. The Magic City Mayors were the last team driven from the ranks of the unbeaten in the nation’s premiere fantasy football league. It was a case of the county over-coming the city, based on state election laws. The pride of Jefferson County, the Altadena Bandits, actually knew more about mail-in ballets, voting machines, and hanging chads than the Cronies could ever be aware of in municipal elections... not to mention state or county polling places. The Bandits were able to draw from their experience and expertise (and from a mysterious shoebox filled with campaign donations) to send the Mayors down to their first defeat of the season. The final score was 20-13, as the Bandits proved to be a touchdown better than the Mayors in this particular Week Seven match-up in the BDFL, and it also helped that Old Barry’s team just flat-out did a better job of blocking, tackling, and counting votes than the Cronies did.  

Sleds Slam Sloths in A.W. Fashion:

Just outside of the city limits of Birmingham, under the shadow of the ancient smokestacks in Fairfield, the homestanding PowerSleds played one of their best games of the season. The “Mean Machine” was producing steel billets in record time and running the steel mills like it was 1975. The poor victims in this version of BDFL football were the unsuspecting Shades Creek Sloth Monsters. The Sleds poured it on from beginning to end in this pivotal Week Seven game until the final score reached A.W. proportions. The factory workers and PowerSleds fans were dancing throughout the steel mill and up and down the streets as the scoreboard read: Sleds 37, Sloths 12. Mukes will take this A.W., look at the film, go back to the drawing board, and then try to figure out a way to get back in the win column next week to make sure the labor of his Three Toed Tree Dwellers is not in vain.  

Dogs Dumped by Bellcows:

The Bulletin has learned that there may be some labor “unrest” at the prestigious Synaflex Rubber plant in Talladega. That’s where the head man – the big boss man – for the Brookside Dogs runs the show. The rank and file at this particular factory are not completely happy with the current operation. But, to management’s credit at the work facility, there are signs that read: “Until morale improves, the daily beatings will continue.” So, the work force has been warned that some Brookside influence could impact things from this point forward. As for the aforementioned “big boss man,” this season has been a complete bust for Mr. Burr and “Mark’s Mutts.” The defending champs are pretty bad this year, and this past weekend, they lost to the Fieldstown Bellcows 20-6, in a game that was not competitive. “Super Dave” Belrose was thrilled for his team that is starting to turn things around after a horrible start. Meanwhile, the Dogs take home the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak,” distinction in Week Seven and are going to have to review their overall factory-running management standards and methods which depend on a limitless supply of free labor, bureaucratic loopholes, and non-collective bargaining agreements, er contracts.  

Blitz Scores 39 but Can’t Get Top Billing:

The Druid City Blitz is going about their business in 2026 in the BDFL of winning games, keeping their mouths in check, and presenting a low profile. That’s no way to get top billing. The low-key, constantly hard-working “Gritz Blitz” is about doing the work – week-in-and-week-out – to produce a team that their players, coaches, ownership, and fans will be proud of seeing every Sunday on the cyber battle fields of fantasy football. So, when a Week Seven vict’ry over the Druid City Blitz comes up just two-points short of an A.W., no one outside the Bulletin staff pays much notice. As for the losing team in this week’s game, the Duncanville Armadillos, they were just glad that the outcome wasn’t any worse than the final score of 39-20. K.P. & Company may have brought some good luck to T-Town on Saturday, but they forgot to save some for themselves for Sunday. The ‘Dillos also forgot to bring a spiral cut ham to the tailgate.  

Sin Wagon Rolls Past F’birds:

The Southside Cheetahs got back on a roll in Week Seven by outscoring the Fultondale Freebirds, 37-26. The Sin Wagon has had its ups-and-down thus far this season, but the highlights have out-weighed and out-numbered the low-lights. “Jammin’ Jaimie” Hand’s team found that out the hard way this past weekend. The Freebirds put up a decent point-total that would have defeated 10-other teams in the BDFL in Week Seven, so it looks like the Dreaded Schedule Maker is at least partially to blame for the F’birds going down in defeat. As for the Cheetahs, they are still one of the stronger teams in the league and have served notice that nobody is just going to waltz into Five Points South and walk away with an easy vict’ry.  

Wildcats Top Gamblers:

Diagonally, across town in Five Points West, supporters for the Western Hills Wildcats returned with revelry from the scenic Gulf Coast with a satisfying win over the Dixie Mafia. The “James Gang,” ventured down to the Redneck Riveria in what they called a “business trip.” The Wildcats proved it by defeating the Gulf Coast Gamblers, 27-16. Now, The Bulletin is not reporting that any blackjack, Russian roulette, or slot machines were frequented by members of the Wildcats, this publication is only relaying information that Jerry James and his minions got into – and out of – Biloxi with a crucial BDFL vict’ry. The Gamblers might have lost the game, but eyewitnesses say that the Dixie Mafia was “counting money,” after the gullible visitors left town (albeit with a BDFL win).  

‘Nauts Charge to Early Lead Then Hold On vs. Bullets:

It only took an opening Thursday Night NFL game to allow the Jugtown Juggernauts to run out to an early 22-0 lead over the Benton Bullets. The Old Bullerino was focused on getting his favorite team out of its losing streak on Saturday afternoon, and once he turned his attention to fantasy football on Sunday morning, it was too little too late for the Bullets. The ‘Nauts held on to post a 25-17 win over the Black Belt BDFL representatives. Allyson enjoyed her vict’ry ride from Highway 80, then back up a crowded I-65 all the way to Gardendale with her team that she thinks can still be serious contenders for the BDFL Championship in 2026, and the prestigious trophy that goes with it, the famous (Tommy Kinney procured) Helmet O’ Silver, known across the cyber football world as the Grand Daddy Trophy.  

Vulcans Crush Commish Like High Priced Gravel:

The leading aggregate company in the South is arguably Vulcan Materials, with headquarters in Birmingham. Two of Donald K. Hand’s close and personal associates are high up on the ladder at the rock quarry company. This pair referenced in the Bulletin are “Handy Man’s” grandson Nic Hand, and grandson in-law Alex Sherrod. Apparently, after years of belly-aching, whining, and “baggin,” for some gravel... the two grandson’s came through. To the best of our knowledge here at the award-winning Bulletin, Vulcan dumped some of the most heavily-priced, fine, and broad collection of coarse-to-medium rock particles on Papa’s property out Hand Lane, in west Gardendale. The natural gravel that is used primarily as structural and decorative driveway material was spread at the famous “Old House,” that has hosted parties too numerous to count, along with two annual Hand Christmas “invitation only,” gatherings each and every year. The transaction has gained local and regional coverage through social media. Meanwhile, in BDFL action, Nic Hand’s Nawf Birmingham Vulcans crushed the Mineral Springs Grenadiers in Week Seven in the BDFL like limestone going through a conveyor-lead, diesel, crushing machine (to produce fine gravel). The material was then spread out like cream cheese and rolled out like wholesale carpet. The Vulcans celebrated the vict’ry with cold ones from one of the vintage Frigidaire’s on the back porch at the Old House. Iron Hand could only shake his head as his team’s stunning loss to the “young, but naïve,” Vulcans was complete, but the Commissioner was pleased that he didn’t have to take out sledge hammers and crush the rock himself (along with Jaimie) like he did in the 1970s. The Bulletin has this eyewitness account, “until you see your brothers using sledge hammers and crushing red rock in your front driveway, you haven’t had a full appreciation of just how tough things were in the “good ol’ days.”

Any rebroadcast, or retransmission, or pictures, descriptions, or accounts of this event, without the express, written consent of The Commissioner of the BDFL, Iron Hand, is strictly prohibited.