From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Pigskin
Prognostications - Week 2
By Spaceman Spiff
Cheetahs vs. Grenades
Butch Neal and his “Buxom Bimbos” have
always lived by the motto “if you can’t be with the one you lust, honey,
lust the one your with”, but the Cheetahs may find their state of
arousal is not enough when they attack Ft. George Ward in Grain Sprangs
where Chris Hand and the “Big Balls Battalion” lay in wait with their
muskets loaded and bayonets fixed for some good ol’ fashion hand-to-hand
combat. The Great Wizardo always says “if it’s too hot in the kitchen,
go sit a spell on the front porch”, which would be mighty good advice
for the Cheetahs since they have more plastic parts on their scantily
clad bodies than a Barbie doll, and may learn that their early season
repeat hopes aren’t the only things that melt away while they’re in
Homewood.
Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.
Mayors vs. Power Sleds
The “Bedpan Bandits” from Fairfield will
look to bring down any political aspirations that Alan Arrington’s “Pork
Barrel Boys” plan to ladle out to their liberal constituency this
weekend when the Alan’s whistle-stop tour hits West Jefferson County
over the weekend. The Power Sleds are trying to kick their long-awaited
comeback tour into high gear and would like nothing better than to bring
down the 2002 BDFL champs. Unfortunately for Jack, the Mayors will dole
out more than enough pork lard to grease the tracks and should slip on
through downtown Lankfordville without too much damage to their
popularity polls.
Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.
Bootleggers vs. Woosiers
The “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” will
fire up their big, black Dodge (and a few stills, too) for a
weekend excursion to Smoke Rise to take on Tommy “Dr. Love” Todd and the
“Love Guns” in another early intra-divisional rivalry, although there
are so many divisions now that even the Great Wizardo has trouble
keeping up with them. Tommy has completely overhauled everything in site
this year, including the local Little League baseball program, in an
effort to right a wronged ship, but slowing down the Bristol Express
will be no easy task. In the end, the Woosiers will know they have met
their fate when they can smell the whiskey burnin’ off Exit 289 as the
Bootleggers smoke their tires on the way back home.
Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.
Gamblers vs. Bullets
It don’t get much hotter than a
“Luuusiana” Saturday night, but Lowndes County on a Sunday afternoon
figures to give their Bayou brethren a run for their money when the
“Black Belt Bureaucrats” host Kenny Breal and his “Cajun Crapshooters”
in their own version of a “Sadidy Night” steam bath, Benton County
style. The Bullets are deep at running back, but some of their studs
have gotten a little long in the tooth and slow of foot in the last
couple of years, which may doom the Bullets to the bottom of the league
peckin’ order. It’s hard to get a read on the Gambler’s shot at an
unprecedented third BDFL title, but the Wizard knows better than to
count Kenny until you pry the dice out of his cold, dead fingers.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.
Blades vs. Wildcats
The Wiley ol’ Wizard says ya’ never
bring a knife to a gunfight…unless you’re playin’ a bunch of puss’s…cats
that is, which is exactly what will occur this Sunday afternoon when the
Blades will see if some serious sabre rattling will shake up the NKOTB,
the New Kittens on the Block. Although coyotes are known to be “crazy
clowns”, you would have a tough time convincing the Wizard that Wildcats
don’t belong in the same category after draft night, and believes the
rookies will continue to find life on the BDFL mean streets a little
more than they bargained for.
Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.
Dogs vs. Juggernauts
A couple of dark horse candidates
meet Sunday afternoon when the “Brookside Banker’s Dozen” take on the
“local Leeds Bra-burnin’ Babes” in southern Jefferson County. Very
little of any consequence has surfaced out of Leeds since Charles
Barkley, and even less than that has crawled out of the Brookside
cesspool in recent memory, but these two hope to change tradition this
year with a run to the title. Not only are these two teams potential
factors in the BDFL title chase, they are also very closely matched in
all areas making the difference between winning and losing very small
indeed. However, in the end the ‘Nauts will not be denied.
Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.
Wizards vs. Fighting Slovaks
It’s been sixteen long years since
the Wizards were cheated out of their The Birmingham News’ “Kick Off
Cash” winnings by a named, as yet un-indicted, co-conspirator, of the
Slovensky clan, and old wounds like this never heal easily, which is why
the “Wand Wavers” will do everything possible to take out their
frustration on the Slovensky family ancestors when they visit the
“Fighting Slovaks” this weekend. When asked how many “Fighting Slovaks”
it takes to change a light bulb, the Wizard said it took at least
fourteen. One to change the light and the other thirteen to split up the
Wizard’s “Kick-Off Cash” winnings.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.
Wooden Warriors vs. Sloth Monsters
Unable to cancel Sunday’s contest
against the “Tri-Toed Tree Huggers” by claiming he had to play a game in
his “other league”, Jaimie Hand and the “Splendid Splinters” will pay a
visit to Silver Lakes to try and strike gold in a Green Horn
intra-divisional contest. And it’s a safe bet that Mike Dismukes will
have his certified B-class ballplayer papers on display for all to see
in hopes of intimidating the visitors. Unfortunately for the Sloth
Monsters, Silver Lakes will feel more like “Sliver Lakes” by the end of
the day as the home team will be spending most of the evening pulling
splinters out of their backsides.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors. |
